Monday, March 31, 2008

The Voices

Another Monday.
I haven't blogged in ages. I was wondering if I ever would again. I never knew something once so enjoyable would become another raging voice in the back of the bus, my so-called life. It is the metaphor that is used in commitment therapy. We all have one. A bus,that is. A vehicle that drives us through life. We are supposed to be the drivers,making turns in directions we want to go,and always moving in a direction we want. Passengers are the feelings,emotions and thoughts that drive us to distraction. Shouting their condescending or negative comments that make us miss the right turns or worst yet,come screeching to a halt,causing a huge pile up. The idea of commitment therapy is to learn that it is OK to have these passengers but to not listen to their constant,negative comments that are aimed to make us miss the right turns. I guess the goal is to become a school bus driver. Plenty of screaming going on back there but tune it out so you don't go insane.
My bus. Lately, I have been feeling like I have missed the bus completely. But those passengers love to follow me. They are with me in my car, when I try and read, when I am alone at night and the loudest they are is when I try and write. The only time they are at a low volume is when I am in the presence of a horse. The magical, healing power of their equine silence.
It took me a long time to get back in to that healing place. Part of it was the pure grief of losing Gwen. The fact I lost her through someone Else's hate made my Light feel like a huge black cloud had drowned it out for good. The other part was the timing. Just when the reality of how dangerous my personal situation had become was when most of my equine clients left for warmer climates. I felt cold not only from dropping Pennsylvania temperatures, but from my Inner Light being extinguished from the shouting passengers in the back of my bus.
The past couple months have been endless shouting back there. I knew if I didn't do something soon,I would be in a really dangerous neighborhood. I tried all the things that helped me in the past.
I went to church. That back-fired when I learned that Prick invaded that sanctuary. He took it upon himself to seek counseling from my pastor.
Yoga. Don't even get me started. I swear Yoga classes cultivate Americans seeking an excuse for shitty behavior.That somehow we bring all bad things in our life upon ourselves through negative thoughts. That somehow the reason we can't breathe is that we are not spiritually enlightened. As I got to know some people through Yoga, I started seeing a fairly condescending group of individuals who didn't like taking personal inventory. When an instructor told me Prick assaulted me because of my own bad energy and spiritual unrest...well let's just say I do my breathing and stretches at home,now.
Then I left Al Anon. I found that if I heard one more excuse that Prick's violence came from emotional problems due to alcohol one more time,that I would be the one getting violent.
Medications helped quiet the voices but it gets hard to navigate where you are going while under the influence.
I felt the bus door slamming shut with only explosive passengers screaming at me non-stop.
Then a funny thing happened. After countless wrong turns my bus took me to a new barn yesterday. When I walked in to the stall of the new equine client, I was shocked to see mostly bones and scruff. The mare turned her face to the wall and made zero eye contact with everyone around her,including the horses in stalls surrounding her. The owner explained that this was once her ex sister-in-law's horse. When the divorce got ugly her brother stopped making payments on their farm. They sent this mare to a trainer until the divorce was final. What came back was an empty shell, that would spook at everything around her or just completely shut down, the way I was now witnessing.
The owner started crying and told me she felt so bad for the mare she offered to try and re-train her for her brother, with no luck. She was ready to have her put down, but someone had recommended me.
There wasn't much muscle to massage, so most of my session started with Reikki and TTouch. As always ,when I work on a horse I go in to a "zone". I don't know how to describe it. I hear everything around me and my senses become more aware but my main focus is what I feel through my hands. I rarely pay attention to any human around me.
When I began to work on the second side of this mare I realized there were a couple Corgis in the stall with me and a row of human faces peering in through the bars. I had no idea how long I had had such a large audience. As I slowly began working down the neck, I came across a huge knot, midway down the center. An obviously painful muscle spasm had developed there. I went to put my hand on the spot and I heard an angry swishing from the mare's tail. I cautiously stood out of kicking range and began doing small circles of TTouch,knowing a massage maneuver would be too painful. It took a long time but finally I heard what I knew was success. It was a collective sigh of free energy. Humans,dogs and most importantly a certain horse all breathed a sigh of relief. By the time I was done the mare, she had her head up and was moving her ears in all directions,alert to what was surrounding her.
I collected my fee and got in to my car.I started the engine and slowly rolled down the tree lined lane. By the time I came to the main road I became aware of something for the first time in months. Silence. For once my bus passengers were speechless. Eventually, there was a slow and soft murmuring,but that sounded comforting for a change.
Last night, was the first time I slept through an entire night. As I was driving to the barn to take care of my own two horses,my cell phone rang. It was the woman whose mare I worked on the day before. She was calling to tell me that when she went in this morning to feed the horses this once,emotionally broken mare whinnied the loudest for breakfast. She was alert and making eye contact. I felt a warm rush of pleasure.
I could hear tears in her voice,"you healed my horse."
All I could do was tell her the truth.
"Oh,I think you misunderstand what it is, that I do. The horses heal me."
I continued on in my quiet driving.