Monday, April 27, 2009

Let Your White Birds Smile Up




Big gaps of nothing. I'm not sure why I lose the blog mojo from time to time. Probably it is because blogs are my bitching place. That safe haven to spew to virtual strangers and fellow blogsters. It prevents me from picking up the phone and crying my eyes out to family and friends.
The past month I really had nothing to bitch about. Spring has sprung, the horses are shedding out the last of their winter fuzz and my social life took a turn for the better. Better weather means better riding weather. My equine clients have returned from the southern show circuit and I am back to riding a lot. Veritas is starting to lean out and gain muscle. Life is good.
The winding down of Prick's sentence is looming over me. I received a call from the adult probation that his release date is May 10th. My first initial reaction was fear that is the same weekend as Winterthur's Point to Point race. It isn't. I'm not sure why it would matter. Like my best friend said,"there will never be a good time for the asshole to get out."
May is the beginning of weekly races and horse shows. I am trying to make every weekend filled with friends and fun. I was surprised when my cell phone rang Saturday night. I had just ended a call with a friend and thought he was calling back to bitch some more about the Flyers losing the playoffs. Instead it was the detective who handled Prick's arrest for the PFA and probation violation. He had contacted me earlier in the week after he was also contacted by probation concerning the upcoming release. For the first time I have had interactions with really pro active law enforcement. Not one of my fears of Prick's release has been brushed off. I was encouraged when both agencies confirmed that after reviewing the case file,they felt I had grounds for an extension of the PFA. The probation officer had expressed it perfectly. My county was not letting him get away with any further violence. Prick's past record has proven that he will most likely continue his pattern of stalking and even more likely escalate with more violence. The detective assured me they were treating past suspicions and police reports seriously. It was what the detective said next that left me speechless. He wanted me to know that he had spoken to the officer in the town where my aunt lives and who had taken the original report I filed after I lost Gwen. He said out loud what I deep down have always known but could never prove. They did believe that Prick had something to do with Gwen's demise but there was nothing to go on except a vet's suspicion, a cop's instinct, and a woman's intuition. He wanted me to know that they would be keeping a close eye on my development and to know that they were there for my protection. My protection would also include both properties where my horses are. All I could muster up was continual whispered thank yous. After I ended the call, I sat in silence, staring in to space, for what seemed hours. My brain just flat lined at that point.
I think the confirmation that I am not crazy or paranoid just made these past two years seem somehow better. I just wish it was never there to be confirmed in the first place. Knowing that they were willing to protect my horses was such a huge relief.
We have had record high temps for April. It feels like summer and I love it. All of the trees have burst into bloom and petals of their flowers have been drifting down in the soft breeze that has come with the heat. I rode Veritas early on Sunday. He really is such a great trail horse. He has no separation anxiety when I take him out alone. I have to confess, I dislike riding with other people or horses. Tas is like me. He enjoys the sights and sounds of nature. Maybe, it is my negative energy he picks up on, but when we ride with others, he gets cranky and distracted.
After I rode Tas, I drove to my aunt's. I brushed more winter hair out of Sydney and Romeo. It has been a little easier with the heat. I think they are literally sweating their hair out. After I was done, I walked over to Gwen's grave. I see it every time I come to the farm. Even after two years, I feel pain when I see the sunken area where my uncle buried her. We have five horses buried in that field. God, knows how many cats, rabbits and dogs are buried throughout the property. I had always felt comforted that they are all in a place so beautiful and close to me. I feel their spirit grows in to the surrounding trees, the carpet of wildflowers and grass. Except, for Gwen's spot. It is the only grave that still instills so much pain in me. It came to represent what evil can do to a soul. The fact that someone extinguished her Light with their hate was unforgivable to me. For the life of me, I had not been able to find peace with what happened to her. The fact that some well meaning friends tried to brush my suspicion off as my own self imposed guilt made it even worse. I felt guilty for feeling guilty. No win. I have learned to never speak of it and I think even I began to believe that it was a tragic coincidence.
I saw purple violets have finally begun growing across Gwen's grave. It was comforting to see something so pretty in this spot that elicits so much pain. I know that the detective's call really helped. For the first time I could feel Light coming from this spot. I am grateful that God keeps sending me people to remind me of the Light. There will never be justice for what happened to her but that call of acknowledgment was enough to remind me to keep fighting to keep the dark away. For the first time I have come to find some sort of peace with Gwen.
I think she deserves that.