Thursday, September 3, 2009

किम्बा थे व्हाइट लिओन इस थे ओने

I have been blogging since 2005. It is funny to see how prolifically I wrote at TV.com. Non-stop, almost daily, blog chatter about television and what is going on in the world. I still maintain a couple other blogs elsewhere, but they are strictly equine oriented or less "heavy" like the blogs I write here. I have kept my one guide at TV.com but finally walked away from blogging at CNET entirely when Prick's girlfriend started stalking online for him, while he was in jail. It was the proverbial last fucking straw.

I didn't come here to write heavy blogs. I came here to hide from Prick. He had invaded every other blog site that I posted under my original screen name, Kimba. It actually took me a long time to start writing under the name Evanesco. I chose a new name that was a vanishing spell from the Harry Potter series. It seemed to fit what I was feeling when I finally had to leave Kimba behind. Anyway, I did not come here planning to become some champion of domestic violence. Somehow that seems to have happened. My light banter of other blog sites is something that just doesn't carry over here. Judging from my private email following, there are a lot of us out there who have had some heavy shit put upon us. I wish so much I could go back and write as Kimba. Not in the name but in that person.

Recently, I started editing and transferring some of the CNET blogs. The one thing that always stands out so clear is how open to interpretation blogging is. I read comments from my readers and have a giggle. I am glad that I reach them in some way but I am often puzzled that they read in to a blog a completely different emotion than what I feel when I am writing it. Normally, I respond to my readers comments the same way the comments come to me;private email. I have spent the last couple years hiding my online identity so thoroughly that I forget that not everyone sees the hidden responses to my blogs as I see them. So, I feel it is time to address some responses here in a public blog form. There would be too many emails and too many emotions to cover in the past few blogs.
Part of the issue is that I only convey to a reader what is typed. The last two blogs have proven that a slight omitting of details changes what a reader thinks I am feeling or doing.
Example:I Write the Songs
In this blog I speak of Prick's letter. From the numerous responses I received, it became apparent that I somehow led people to believe that this letter was addressed to me,personally. It wasn't. Prick's latest literary ramblings were solely addressed to his probation officer. The reason his probation officer made me aware of the letter writing (there have been more since then) was because they may be used for future court proceedings.He didn't want me to be shocked that there were even letters to be addressed to the court. I appreciated that Prick's PO has chosen to take my feelings in to consideration. More than anyone else, he has shared what is to come in color with the black and white facts that follow legalities. Hence; Kodachrome. Prick's PO gave me something in color. It is where in my Kimba world I would rather be. The shredding and then disposing the black and white printing on a letter was my way of embracing the colors of feeling again. Not sure if that makes sense to a blog reader but I felt I should at least point out that I am not "hung up" on Prick's ramblings or hurt by the PO showing me the letter. My reading and then disposing the letter was actually a way I chose to mourn for Guinevere. The point I was trying to convey was that it was what Prick chooses not to write that angers me. It is no secret what transpired the night he assaulted me. What bothers me is what he doesn't focus on is his actions since the assault. He seems to think he is being persecuted for one night. Reading that letter was proof to me that he will never admit to the extremes he continues to take to get to me. That includes him taking the life of my horse. So,the disposal of the letter was a healing for me. Kodachrome, gives us those nice bright colors.

Second was my recent blog:That's the Way it Oughtta Be

I had a really good laugh when I kept getting emails congratulating me on my new romance. Boy, did that one get misconstrued! Kudos, to my Kiwi friend Julie, who "got" what my puking off of Skinny's deck was probably about. I also give a special shout out to her for actually getting what my inclusion of songs and lyrics are about and how they are tied in to what I am feeling.
Soooo, no romance with Skinny. What I had omitted was the fact that I had recently put a toe in the dating water and found the water was still too cold. Skinny has a girlfriend in another state. He is now at a crossroads of sorts and was bonding with me on the out-of-state dilemma. I thought my own recent dip in the dating pool was no big deal. The fact that this discussion with Skinny made me vomit...well let's have a field day with interpreting that Ness-O-Matic is still struggling in the romance department.
Anyway, my own interpretation of what I wrote is this: Often when we date or marry we lose our connections to ourselves aka friends. I don't know how or why it happens, but often it does. When we lose or pull away from old friends it seems we lose a vital part of what we really are. What ends up happening is an empty or shallow relationship with the partner who makes you lose that connection. It is my theory on why couples like Mich and her husband have made it this far. Mich has stayed true to herself and has retained that part of herself that was before her husband but has included him in with us. Skinny and I have both made that mistake. We tried to be different people for someone and it back-fired. My puking off his deck was a our life coming back around full circle. His fancy house, my fabulous hair that he grumbled about, one thing was the same... he held back my hair and let me puke just like we did in our friendship years ago. So, am in love with Skinny? Of course. Just as I was when we were 15. He is one of my oldest and dearest friends who has helped me reconnect with our original selves. Romance? If hanging out and drinking beer until I puke is romance...no wonder I suck at dating. So, as much as I love Skinny, I am not in love with Skinny. Nice try though, folks. It would be a much neater ending than the one I seem to be working on that made me puke.

Finally, Romeo has continued to recover. We have had some further set backs but plain and simple...he is old. It is something we are going to have to face and this year seems to be making that fact seem closer. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and White Light you have sent my way. It does mean a lot.

Well, I think that is it for blog response. Being a Gemini, I will probably reinterpret everything differently tomorrow. Maybe you, my readers, see what I can't. Dunno. Maybe, I just wander with words the same way I do after midnight when the Sandman abandons me. I am just grateful for your emails and support over the years. Even if it comes across in a different way than what I intended, if it helps someone else embrace the Light, I can sleep at night knowing that.

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