Friday, October 8, 2010

Outside the Wall

It's about letting God's light shine through us. It's about a sparkle in people that money can't buy. It's an invisible energy with visible effects. To let go, to just love, is not to fade into the wallpaper. Quite the contrary, it's when we truly become bright. We're letting our own light shine.”
~Marianne Williamson

My dear friend Marie sent this my way. It was perfect timing.
There is one thing about owning a dog. It forces you to walk through your everyday world and stop to sniff the *insert~ roses, mailboxes, bushes, dead squirrel...*
You get the picture.
Not much to say since my last blog. I write a lot but it seems only I can understand what I write.
A friend had told me about a month ago that a shift was coming. He was right. As always it seems to scare the hell out of me when it is happening. It was one mess up after another. I felt the moment I left the courtroom after Prick's sentencing my heart was permanently broken. Between Jan being sick and the final opportunity to have to think about the past three years, I guess I had a full-blown meltdown. Once again it was Joe who had to explain what was really happening. Because Prick's sentencing was a felony charge the court was much more thorough in presenting past violations. What I didn't count on was that a lot of the original assault I had completely blocked out of my mind. I never even told my friends or counselors every detail of that night. When the District Attorney presented me with the police records, my statement from that night was in the folder. I waited a week before I steeled myself up for reading through the papers. I was shocked at exactly how graphic my original statement was. The officer had me write it that night. While reading it I was horrified that I obviously blocked details out by the very next day. I have spent three years concentrating on the stalking issue rather than what he did that night. It seemed to be permanently pushed out of my mind. To read my own words and my own handwriting, was surreal. What I didn't know was after the sentencing the nightmares would start again. I had them for months after the assault. I have blogged before about my struggles with avoiding meds as much as possible. I hated the thought of not being me, even if the me I was becoming was a mess.Eventually the nightmares faded but I know the death of Gwen has never gone completely from my mind. Now I am seeing why losing Gwen is so significant. He finished what he started that night he beat the crap out of me. I believed he stole every bit of love that I had left in my heart. I just haven't realized how much I have pushed people away because of it.
Once again, I ramble. I just don't know why the shift came when it did but I was forced to really look at what was surrounding me. I crawled home in shame and spent an entire weekend freaking out about my mess and watched Jan becoming sicker. I was up for 48 hours straight. Finally, I was awake at 3am and watched Bob Geldof in Pink Floyd's The Wall. Oh, dear God, I have become that mess. Watching that movie forced me to face the music and peek over my own wall that I have been busy building for three years. I can't articulate what is on the other side. I just know that it has always been a part of me. I just thought if I built a wall around it someone would not be able to steal from me the way I believed Prick, did. Now I know that wall just kept me from leaving the hell I created on my own.

Outside the Wall (Waters)

All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

"Isn't this where...."


Thank you to my friends who have managed to still be standing and for those who were willing to keep banging their heart against this mad bugger's wall. It's finally falling down