Sunday, July 13, 2008

Centered

It has been awhile. Sometimes it is more telling to see big gaps in my journals or blogs than it is to see what I have written. I think I am afraid that if I write it it is there permanently and I can then never have the luxury of forgetting it.
Prick finally got himself busted for contacting me in spite of the restraining order. I am so grateful for the officer who took charge of the stalking issue. He really went all out to make sure I was informed and safe. The judge set bail ridiculously high, knowing full well there would be no way for him to post it. As of this posting he is still sitting in jail waiting for the hearing which is set for August first. Irony: that is the date he assaulted me last year.
I would like to say I am breathing easier since Prick's arrest but honestly a new set of anxiety has stepped in. Thoughts of, "what if he is even more pissed?" to thoughts of how he will be even more careful not to get caught next time. I don't believe for one second this will ever be over as long as he is out of jail. His past record proves that.
I am still waiting to hear from the District Attorney. Another anxiety is having to appear in court and possibly having to testify. It's bad enough he ignored the protection order but now I have to physically see him. I want to throw up every time I think about it.
I started blogging at CNet again. It feels weird. It is like I came back in the middle of a school year. I totally lost my groove,though friends I have made there are very supportive. I enjoy the banter there and can always get some giggles. Right now I need all the humour I can get.
We were hit with a scorching heat wave this past week. I haven't ridden in a week. I never thought I would say it was too hot to ride, but I have. Here it is a week later and I can't even fathom saddling the poor guy. I did end up finding a decent used County dressage saddle. It set me back a bit but I am thrilled to have a saddle that doesn't kill me. Veritas seems happy to have the freedom in his shoulders and even did a side pass! It was totally accidental on my part, but there it was,a perfect cross over of his front end. It reinforces that I need to find a trainer for us both. He is smart as hell and more advanced than I am. I think I could learn a lot with him.
Not much going on this blog. I just feel out of sorts. In the past writing had always help me feel centered.Riding had always helped me feel centered. Right now I am side lined watching the days count down until the hearing and not feeling very centered.