Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Watch This Space

So many times I hit the post button for a blog and then regret it. I hate being angry but I also remember for two years I felt numb. As much as I try and tell myself being numb was better, deep down, I know it is not.
For my private emailers I give out a shout. I was blessedly reminded not to take anything I have worked for the past three years for granted. Thank you, to stupid Oprah Winfrey, for making me stay home sick three years ago and watching her show. She had Gavin de Becker on and he was talking about his book "The Gift of Fear"
All of my life I knew I have had that sixth sense. My mom shares this. She will be sober 25 years this Wednesday. She once told me she started drinking because she knew too much of what she was thinking, was real. We all numb ourselves from truth. It sucks. But I know my gut is right and more often than not I prove too late it was.


I can't get it out of my head. Crap.

Take me down, 6 underground,
The ground beneath your feet,
Laid out low, nothing to go
Nowhere a way to meet
I've got a head full of drought,
Down here, so faroff losing out
Round here,

Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace

Calm me down, bring it round
Too way high off your street
I can see like nothing else
In me you're better than I wannabe
Don't think 'cos I understand,
I care, don't think 'cos I'm talking we're friends,

Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace

Talk me down, safe and sound
Too strung up to sleep
Wear me out, scream and shout
Swear my time's never cheap
I fake my life like I've lived
Too much, I take whatever you're given
Not enough,

Overground, watch this space,
I'm open

I fake my life like I've lived
Too much, I take whatever you're given
Not enough,

Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace

For all of my friends and readers who have been supportive over the years, thank you. I publicly will say just remember to trust that gut before you hit post. I am grateful God sent me someone who was nice enough to remind me to not give away what I worked for. Let's see how this one goes.Hopefully I will be around a long time to let you know if I have any regrets, later.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why. ~Author Unknown

Most of my friends now know about my weekend love. He is a dog and his name is Soccerball. Because of my busy schedule and incredibly long work days it has been impossible for me to own a dog full time. Since Dru and Tom have nine permanent canine residents at their animal rescue it seemed the perfect solution was to allow me to bring one of their nine home with me, for weekends.
For a few years it was a Karelian Bear dog, named Czar, who came home with me on most weekends. He still lives at the rescue but has become almost completely deaf and overcome with arthritis. The last time I brought him home with me was in November. Czar tried to jump up on to my bed and ended up crashing to the floor. He was so humiliated (and yes, I swear he has that human trait) he refused to look at me for the rest of the weekend. After watching him sleep in my closet instead of the dog bed I bought for him, I made the difficult decision to no longer bring him home with me on the weekends.
My family is going through a rough patch at the moment. I love them all very much but I think my own personal demons of the past three years started creeping in to my relationships with my immediate family. I opted to walk away from trying to fix something that is too upsetting for me. Christmas was the hardest. I chose to not spend it with family. Dru's husband Tom called me Christmas Eve day and invited me for the night. I took them up on it. It actually was a really nice way to spend the night. We sat by the fireplace, ate a nice dinner and talked about fun things. Before I left I went down to the barn to say goodnight to Veritas and tell him he was the best part of Christmas.
I opened my car door and there in the passenger seat was Soccerball. He is one of the Pitbulls that Dru has made a permanent resident. Tom and Dru came out of the house and told me I should not be alone Christmas morning. Soccerball sat in the car, thumping his tail in pure joy with the thought of a car ride. I suddenly felt like the Grinch:My broken,small heart, grew three sizes that day. "And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!"
So, the two of us went home together that night and the hole that was left where men have come and gone as well as my favorite dog Czar, was finally filled with canine joy.
One thing I have learned about having Soccerball on the weekends. Neighbors talk to you when you walk a dog. Since I live in a development, I am forced to walk a dog on a leash. Czar was a less approachable dog. Like most working farm dogs, Karelians make little eye contact and are stand-offish with strangers. Soccerball loves everyone. I cannot take a quick walk without neighbors stopping to chat him up while he wiggles his whole body in happiness. Through Soccerball, I have finally gotten to know neighbors that I never met before.
Today, a neighbor I had met on my doggie excursions, finally installed new windows and treatments for my home. I cannot believe how different my house looks with new windows! It is like a whole blast of light came in to my home. The best part was the big step in allowing a person in my home. One of the reasons I kept putting off renovations or repairs in my home is the fear I still carry from the past three years. It is much easier to have someone I know and trust come in to the house. Now, he and his fiance both volunteer at LaMancha.
So, once again, it is a fur friend who helped me make a big step. Who knew it would take a Pitbull to help me find trust? Take that, Michael Vick.