Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What I Hate About You

It's funny how the perception of time shifts day to day. Sometimes I feel like my life is in slow moving turtle speed and then other times I can look at a calendar and think, "how did I get three months behind?"

It began when Shoe-Man called and asked if we could meet for lunch. Shoe-Man is the nicer of my ex boyfriends. We have worked hard to stay nice in our split. His current wife doesn't seem to appreciate this so I was rather shocked he wanted to meet.

"We need to talk."

Oh crap. I hate that statement. It never bodes well when someone says they need to talk. I asked him why we couldn't just talk while he was trimming Syd and Romeo's feet?

"What the fuck Nessie? Can't a man just buy you lunch without you finding a reason to run for the hills?"

I was stunned. First because Shoe-Man is one of the more patient men in my life and second...well, he is right.I hate that. It is my self preservation that screams, "run for the hills! The man wants to *gasp* talk!" He called me on it.

Yesterday, he came down to trim the horses feet and then we went to lunch. It hit me funny that he chose the place that was our first date. I don't think that crossed his mind. Like most men he doesn't process that fact beyond than it's a place he likes to go.

After we ordered our food he made a bunch of small talk. Being a hairdresser for 23 years I think I am fairly good in this department. I confess though, it often makes me insane. I get mad at myself for repeating what clients say all day. "Crazy weather,eh?" to the more irritating, "how 'bout them Eagles?" I finally had enough.

"Shoe, just spit it out what you want from me."

I instantly regretted that statement. The look on his face said it all. I always go for the jugular and assume the worst. *sigh* No wonder I am single.

He then went in to a long explanation about his current wife's younger son and how violent he was becoming. His step son finally punched the mother in the face and he suspects he killed his mother's cat. They had to go to court and now he lives with his dad, blah,blah, blah.

"Kathy is really having a hard time. I thought you could talk to her."

I sat silent.For the first time in years I wished I had a cigarette.

This woman was still married to someone else when Shoe met her. I knew her as one of our mutual clients. Shoe was her farrier for her four horses and I massaged a couple of them. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't horrified that he chose to move on with a married woman who I knew as a client. The worst part was most of our mutual clients knew before I did. I was even more horrified that this woman chose to tell people some private things about me in her justification as to why Shoe and I broke up after 7 years. To put it bluntly, I wanted to kick her cheating ass. But that was then.

After she divorced her husband and they bought a farm together, Shoe and I came to a sort of peace. His wife on the other hand chose to embrace hating me. I was very baffled at this. I mean, we socialized before she started sleeping with my ex. She would chat my ear off while I massaged her horses. Funny how once she became an adulteress I was the enemy. Freud would have a field day. It came to the point that Shoe-Man still shoes my horses but the wife doesn't know. Even his mother,who I have stayed in touch with, admitted she keeps me a secret. Whatever. I have more important things to sweat over. I figured his new marriage was already based on a lie. Let him face the consequences and bad karma of that lie.

I was sad that this man who I once loved very much had talked himself in to believing that I am the only person his wife could talk to. I was also sad that this is how people now define me. Some champion of domestic violence who dispenses hope to others. The truth is I rarely go to the shelter anymore. I made a decision that now is the time to remove myself from that label of victim or survivor. After Prick's last hearing I realized the only way to move on is to accept that this is as good as it gets when dealing with someone Else's bad behavior. Shoe-Man's request just made me look hard at the time-line of my life. I feel like my situation was eons ago. I guess that's a good thing.

I asked him if Kathy knew he was still in touch with me? He stammered out a no.
"Shoe, that's your answer. How can you possibly explain why I am suddenly there to help her when she doesn't even allow you to trim my horses feet? I have to say, no."
I tried to fill him in on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which she seemed to be experiencing. I gave him some thoughts on how he as her spouse could help her. Long story short I tried to be the better person and help this man who has no clue that he still depends on me to bail him out of situations he can't handle.

After our lunch he thanked me for his help. I didn't feel like I did but,OK. As I walked to my car I was struck by how funny life is. This woman hates me so much and has no clue how alike we really are. Or, maybe she does and that's why she hates me.
Dunno. Just another pointless blog about ironies of life.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sitting by the Window

Snowy Sydney

What Hell is this?

snow fence

Creek behind the farm

"Moby? Please tell me you are not that depressed!"
It was a statement from the recent phone conversation I had with Ryan.
"Noooo, Moby Grape," I replied. Of course, the very young Ryan doesn't know who Moby Grape is. I recently added a couple tracks on my Sansa player to listen while riding Veritas. Ryan is always interested in what I am listening to. I personally know that what I listen to is a barometer for what my mood is. I don't know why it comes as a shock that someone else might figure that barometer out. Note to self: if you are denying depression~never mention Moby.

Seriously, I am not listening to Moby or feel the least bit depressed. My fog has finally started to lift. I think the fact that I am once again swamped with equine clients on my weekends has my brain circulating again. When I am working with the horses I don't have time to be anything but happy. I run in to trouble when I am not working. Hmmmm. I may be on to a revelation,here.

Last week we had a sleet and ice storm. That put a small funk in my week. I hate freezing rain. Snow~I love. Ice and having to drive in ice~frozen ground that I can't ride a horse~ice? I am ready to run off to a warmer climate.

We had another heavy snow yesterday.I finally stayed home from work with a wicked cold. This morning was perfectly clear and sunny. I still felt crappy enough to actually call out a second day. The only good thing is most of my clients at the salon had cancelled due to the weather. It made me feel less guilty staying home in bed watching the snow whirl outside my window. My sinuses hurt so bad I couldn't even focus on the book I was reading. I am now wondering how much aspirin it takes to eat a hole in your stomach?

Anyhoo, no ice, no Moby and my stomach hasn't disintegrated. Life is good. :)