Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I'll Try Not To Sing Out Of Key

So,another year has gone by without a new blog. I write. I write constantly. Notes to myself, scribbled phrases or thoughts on the back of envelopes or business cards. I have a lot of business cards. A whole box. They are what is left of what is rapidly becoming my past life.

I never thought in a million years my life would take such an amazing turn since my last blog. I think it is why I haven't written. I'm still afraid the bubble will burst and I will wake up and still be stuck in 2011.

The one thing I am proud of? That as much as I blog and blab online, I still retained my deepest thoughts to myself. I managed to pull off a long time hidden part of my life.

I honestly thought it would stay that way. Stuck in some sort of limbo that started a year after Prick began stalking me. I had actually met someone who went on to become one of my best friends. Because of the nature we met, I kept it a well hidden part from everyone,including myself. I brushed it off to being someone I liked a lot but kept at a distance from my real,everyday life.

I was often asked why I kept my Facebook status as "It's complicated"? Because,it was easier to brush off any man who might be interested beyond friendship. I always knew my heart was elsewhere but resigned to it never coming to any kind of reality.

I was so grateful for Xanax Man. He really helped me through that first big step in moving on.He proved to me that I could actually date someone very normal but most of all that we could separate amicably and stay friends. No court orders, no PFA's and no regrets. He was a my transition into taking back my life and putting myself first.

My therapist also helped me through. I won't lie. I fell a lot last year. I drank too much, I fought with family and I lost Mich and all my best friends that went with her. I was shocked when I was talking with my therapist. I never realized that I was continuing in the victim role. That I actually resented being told what others thought I should be doing. That people, who claimed to be my best friends, were telling me I wasn't able to move on without them. My life was making drastic changes on it's own. Like it or not, my heart told me it was time to go out on a limb and stop listening to what other people thought I should do. I was tired of fighting in court. I was tired of this whole Prick mess becoming who I was. I was tired of friends thinking I was fragile and needed to be taken care of.

I had never imagined life without my core group of friends. We knew each other so many years I thought that nothing could ever stop us from loving each other. We prepare ourselves for a possible ending of romance. We know that as we get older we will lose someone to death. No one prepares you for a childhood friend to tell you that they don't like what you are doing with your life. As a matter of fact, if you don't play the game of life the way they are, they will drop you.

I never wanted the white picket fence, 2 kids and a house in suburbia Hell. I always knew I viewed life a little differently. I just didn't know that it would become a rift when the rest of my friends got older and settled in to just that. When I split with Xanax Man, Mich made it clear she would not accept that I was choosing to take a risk with someone who didn't fit in to the white bread, husband role.

Understand, it is not all my friends. When I thought long and hard about it, most of my "other" friends were like me. No kids and nothing to tie us down when we wanted to take a plunge in to new waters.

It took me awhile, but I finally came to peace with it.

What could be so awful that your best friend and longest friendship, would come to a full blown fall-out? A man. The oldest one in the book of deal breakers.

Mich, never made it a secret she hated Prick from the very beginning. I get that. She liked Xanax Man a lot. That was the problem. On the outside, Xanax Man was the ideal safe man for me to date, after Prick. He was handsome, incredibly nice and very low-key next to my chaotic life. The problem? It just wasn't the one I had secretly loved for years but denied. Is it Skinny? LOL! No. Nice try,folks. Skinny is one of the few old friends who stuck by me. But, as Skinny sums us up;he is my "brutha from anutha mutha." I love that.

I won't say who it is I ended up with. It is why I didn't blog. It was just a weird set of circumstances that brought us together. He was there when I crashed with Xanax Man. He was still there when I crashed myself afterwards. My only thought is that my oldest friends didn't understand why I kept things so secret. Their white collar jobs and their suburban life could not wrap itself around my final crash last year. Why would I throw away convention and take up with someone who would not fit in with their idea of who I should date?

It's sad to lose your best friend. I still can't believe she hasn't been a part of my life, exactly one year, to the day.

Since my last blog? I married my secret love. I waited three years and a lot of soul searching for us to get where we are. We married with Desmond at our side. No family, no friends and no past friends. I finally quit my job of 26 years. I became closer to my husband's family and distanced myself from the dysfunction of my own.

My husband and I are in the process of creating a new beginning. We are packing up to move to a new house. While I am packing, I am sorting through old letters, photos and a lot of memories. I am glad that I can look through all of these old memories and still embrace the good parts. I miss Mich for who she once was. I miss the Me who was a big part of her life. The one thing I learned from years of court dates, therapy and Prozac....life goes on. I was lucky to have friendships last as long as they did. Not many people can say that.

Do I regret who I have become? I think back to the day that was the begining of my change. I sat in a courtroom listening to Prick's latest lame apology for continuing to stalk me. I looked over at the man I would go on to marry. I remember the feeling of numbness. I also remember that I vowed to myself that Prick would never get me back in court, again. 

It took me some time to start feeling anything. I wrote some blogs but know that deep down, I was lost. It wasn't until I finally followed my heart and was willing to let go of people who weren't really supporting my decision to throw in the towel. I accept that sometimes in life, there is no conclusion.  

 I can honestly tell my readers that I am blogging happy.