Friday, October 8, 2010

Outside the Wall

It's about letting God's light shine through us. It's about a sparkle in people that money can't buy. It's an invisible energy with visible effects. To let go, to just love, is not to fade into the wallpaper. Quite the contrary, it's when we truly become bright. We're letting our own light shine.”
~Marianne Williamson

My dear friend Marie sent this my way. It was perfect timing.
There is one thing about owning a dog. It forces you to walk through your everyday world and stop to sniff the *insert~ roses, mailboxes, bushes, dead squirrel...*
You get the picture.
Not much to say since my last blog. I write a lot but it seems only I can understand what I write.
A friend had told me about a month ago that a shift was coming. He was right. As always it seems to scare the hell out of me when it is happening. It was one mess up after another. I felt the moment I left the courtroom after Prick's sentencing my heart was permanently broken. Between Jan being sick and the final opportunity to have to think about the past three years, I guess I had a full-blown meltdown. Once again it was Joe who had to explain what was really happening. Because Prick's sentencing was a felony charge the court was much more thorough in presenting past violations. What I didn't count on was that a lot of the original assault I had completely blocked out of my mind. I never even told my friends or counselors every detail of that night. When the District Attorney presented me with the police records, my statement from that night was in the folder. I waited a week before I steeled myself up for reading through the papers. I was shocked at exactly how graphic my original statement was. The officer had me write it that night. While reading it I was horrified that I obviously blocked details out by the very next day. I have spent three years concentrating on the stalking issue rather than what he did that night. It seemed to be permanently pushed out of my mind. To read my own words and my own handwriting, was surreal. What I didn't know was after the sentencing the nightmares would start again. I had them for months after the assault. I have blogged before about my struggles with avoiding meds as much as possible. I hated the thought of not being me, even if the me I was becoming was a mess.Eventually the nightmares faded but I know the death of Gwen has never gone completely from my mind. Now I am seeing why losing Gwen is so significant. He finished what he started that night he beat the crap out of me. I believed he stole every bit of love that I had left in my heart. I just haven't realized how much I have pushed people away because of it.
Once again, I ramble. I just don't know why the shift came when it did but I was forced to really look at what was surrounding me. I crawled home in shame and spent an entire weekend freaking out about my mess and watched Jan becoming sicker. I was up for 48 hours straight. Finally, I was awake at 3am and watched Bob Geldof in Pink Floyd's The Wall. Oh, dear God, I have become that mess. Watching that movie forced me to face the music and peek over my own wall that I have been busy building for three years. I can't articulate what is on the other side. I just know that it has always been a part of me. I just thought if I built a wall around it someone would not be able to steal from me the way I believed Prick, did. Now I know that wall just kept me from leaving the hell I created on my own.

Outside the Wall (Waters)

All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

"Isn't this where...."

Thank you to my friends who have managed to still be standing and for those who were willing to keep banging their heart against this mad bugger's wall. It's finally falling down


Fast Film said...

You're still standing, still blogging, still riding, still working and still functional. I'm not seeing that comparison to The Wall.

Evanesco said...

I may not be a bloody rock God, descending in to madness like the character Pink, but I did feel that moment of insane clarity after one recent night of too much pills and booze mixed together. I literally had a PTSD flashback/breakdown after spending a night at my childhood home. So much that I have blacked out came crashing down in a matter of 48 hours.
I guess because I always felt that by my blogging, I was being open and honest in words. That somehow I was being honest with myself. It came as a terrifying shock that what I thought was my fear of Prick these last few years is actually something that has cultivated since childhood. I just chose one incident to focus on to block out everything else.
Since posting this last blog, I have had several other friends and fellow bloggers who have had the same type of delayed reactions to what was either blocked or thought was normal or even worse~ imagined~ so pushed in to the back of your mind.
I am sad to say that I am obviously more open and honest in writing than I am in living life with anyone.
My life has been a performance of being happy,funny,spiritual or whatever I think that particular audience wants me to be. One night I crashed down and saw what it all really is.
Too heavy? Too self absorbed in self pity? I hope not. I just want others who have had shitty families, bad relationships, mental or physical abuse to understand that all of my "acts" are part of me but that sometimes we have to finally face what put us there in the first place. Walls don't protect us, they imprison.
At least that was my take that particular night of a movie that I haven't seen in decades.It just happened to coincide with a meltdown of my own.
So, no offense to the great Roger Waters or trying to compare what he experienced the same as my own experiences. I just give him credit for using an analogy of a lifetime of building walls. Until one day, we need to finally crash it down.
....and hey! What an amazing movie. I forgot how painful yet hopeful it is. Most critics or people who don't understand the message think it's just about some rock dude who tears up a motel room and goes insane. They don't see the beauty in that final tearing down the wall or the amazing imagery that proceeds it.
Now, go watch it for those who haven't seen it!

Greeneyed said...

What Evanesco said about PTSD reminded me of what I experienced. PTSD is when the horrible painful emotions you experience at the time of trauma are hidden away by the body/mind/spirit. They are brought out again and again when triggered, and also when the whole judges that the mind can handle them. At 36 I finally got the memory of what happened to me at
1, at 3, at 10. It was awful. I kept getting replays at different times in my life afterwards. In the PTSD ward in Fort Washington I was taught, with other incest survivors, to put the horror on the back burner if it came out at inappropriate times, and to constantly remind myself that "that was then, this is now. Then can't hurt me any more."

The more you work on yourself, the more you open up to your closest friends and other people you can trust, the more you will be able to integrate what has happened to you into the rest of what you consider to be 'You'.

Evanesco said...

That is the key Greeneyed! The more you work on yourself the more likely these things come up, seemingly out of nowhere. Usually when we, or family and friends, think we are doing great.
Thank God, I have a psychologist friend with the most awesome sense of humor. I hate to admit how much I rely on him to make me understand what is happening in the only way I have ever coped...laughing about it.
When I asked my friend why this movie bothered me so much he told me, "that's easy,you weren't stoned." LOL!