Labor of Love
Labor Day. The day that symbolizes the end of the season. In spite of the depression I had been feeling recently I finally managed to take one of my biggest steps forward in healing this year. It took me a couple weeks past the year mark of losing Gwen. The hardest part of this past year was the onset of panic attacks that come from nowhere. Even though I understood why I developed them after the assault, it didn't make it any easier that I had no way of predicting what would set them off. I could be in my car, standing in Target or the supermarket seemingly stress free and out of no where I felt like I would die in an instant. The worst for me were the ones I suffered in the barn or when I tried to ride again. I rode several clients or friends horses since I lost Gwen but I could not for the life of me get back out on the trail where there were open fields. I hyperventilated even thinking about it. I took to exercising their horses in the safety of the ring. I made excuses of time constraints and being too out of sorts to do much more.
This past weekend here in Pennsylvania is the exact reason why I love where I live. Crystal clear, blue skies, soft warm breezes and low humidity. The countryside is covered with tall cornfields, lush hay fields and wildflowers galore. Picture perfect in so many ways. I can't imagine a life where there are no change of seasons. As sad as I am that the days are shorter, the perfect oncoming fall weather makes my heart sing whenever I come upon another gorgeous view as I drive along the wooded hillsides and rolling open fields.
Then today a funny thing happened. Dru came up to the ring and opened the gate and told me I should take Veritas out on the trail. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't pre-planned the worst case scenario in my mind before hand. Maybe it was the fact that the day felt so perfect or that in the ring, Veritas was so soft in my hands as we rode in perfect cadence.
Dru is the kind of friend who is my tough love. She knows when it is time to kick the bird out of the nest. Her timing was perfect. The other boarders must of all been out early in the day. There wasn't a soul around. It just felt right.
I let Veritas pick the pace and where he wanted to go which was a nice amble through the 150 acre field next door. The grass was tall and softly bending with the late afternoon breeze. Every time the breeze rolled up over a hill the smell was warm and sweet.It is the smell that makes you tingle because it makes you so happy. Tas would lift his nose up like a dog,sniffing it in and then releasing a big sigh. Every so often he would reach out and nibble a branch off a tree or squeak a stalk of grass up in to his mouth, never breaking stride in his slow, even walk. After a half hour of walking along the edge of the field it hit me why I love this horse so much. He is the equine version of me. He honest to God, loves the earth as much as I do.
After we got back to the barn and I turned him back out in to his pasture, Veritas hung at the gate with me for several minutes. He lowered his head so I could scratch his ears and nibbled my boot laces. The sun was starting to set so he was washed in that warm glow of the late sunshine that makes a horse's coat glisten. It wasn't until he walked away that I realised I was crying. For the first time in forever it didn't hurt. They just were tears.
For once I wasn't lamenting the end of summer. I know I just had a change of seasons and I am so grateful for the love of a great equine to help get me there.
This past weekend here in Pennsylvania is the exact reason why I love where I live. Crystal clear, blue skies, soft warm breezes and low humidity. The countryside is covered with tall cornfields, lush hay fields and wildflowers galore. Picture perfect in so many ways. I can't imagine a life where there are no change of seasons. As sad as I am that the days are shorter, the perfect oncoming fall weather makes my heart sing whenever I come upon another gorgeous view as I drive along the wooded hillsides and rolling open fields.
Then today a funny thing happened. Dru came up to the ring and opened the gate and told me I should take Veritas out on the trail. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't pre-planned the worst case scenario in my mind before hand. Maybe it was the fact that the day felt so perfect or that in the ring, Veritas was so soft in my hands as we rode in perfect cadence.
Dru is the kind of friend who is my tough love. She knows when it is time to kick the bird out of the nest. Her timing was perfect. The other boarders must of all been out early in the day. There wasn't a soul around. It just felt right.
I let Veritas pick the pace and where he wanted to go which was a nice amble through the 150 acre field next door. The grass was tall and softly bending with the late afternoon breeze. Every time the breeze rolled up over a hill the smell was warm and sweet.It is the smell that makes you tingle because it makes you so happy. Tas would lift his nose up like a dog,sniffing it in and then releasing a big sigh. Every so often he would reach out and nibble a branch off a tree or squeak a stalk of grass up in to his mouth, never breaking stride in his slow, even walk. After a half hour of walking along the edge of the field it hit me why I love this horse so much. He is the equine version of me. He honest to God, loves the earth as much as I do.
After we got back to the barn and I turned him back out in to his pasture, Veritas hung at the gate with me for several minutes. He lowered his head so I could scratch his ears and nibbled my boot laces. The sun was starting to set so he was washed in that warm glow of the late sunshine that makes a horse's coat glisten. It wasn't until he walked away that I realised I was crying. For the first time in forever it didn't hurt. They just were tears.
For once I wasn't lamenting the end of summer. I know I just had a change of seasons and I am so grateful for the love of a great equine to help get me there.
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