It Looks Like Christmas


Romeo and Sydney are finally out and enjoying their hay.
It's been a long haul this time with Romeo. We had a couple more setbacks that included IV fluids and prayers. He (knock on wood) seems to be coming out of the woods.
As for me...
It had to happen eventually. Depression.
Oh, I've had it from time to time. Those days you feel cranky or sad, wishing you could stay in bed, but you don't. This time is different. It is that big gaping hole of nothing that bothers me the most. I'm not mad or sad. Just nothing. I get up and do what I have to do, feeling nothing.
I knew I was in trouble last week when I went to my mom's best friend's viewing. After crying the entire weekend after she had passed away, I finally flat lined again. Not one tear. Numb.
Argh.
We had more snow this Saturday. It was a dry powdery snow that lightly dusts glitter over everything. I took the opportunity of having a Saturday night free and went shopping. My family and friends have all agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Although I am relieved that the stress of gift giving has been alleviated, it has left me with that feeling of no purpose for the holiday.
I decided that I needed to decorate to the max to force the Christmas spirit in to me. I bought new lights and new ornaments for my tree. Even though it is a tiny three foot artificial tree, I put five strings of colored lights on the sucker. You could land an airplane by it's light. I put extra lights around my windows. It makes a warm glow that I always used to love.
I stood outside in the falling snow, inspecting the lights in the window. I never heard my neighbor and his dog approach until he spoke, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas." I patted his German Shepard, brushing the glittered snow off his coat and thanked him. It still didn't feel like it to me. I mean, it's snowing for the third time,for God's sake! How much more Christmas do you want?
I had one more trick up my sleeve. I popped in a DVD of The Snowman. The part where he is flying to the song, Walking in the Air makes me cry every time. It is my no-fail Christmas fuzzy.
Nothing.
I am so desperate for any kind of fuzziness that I even watched a special on Andy Williams Christmas shows on PBS. Who doesn't cry to Andy Williams singing, Oh,Holy Night??? Apparently me.
I am praying it's just a stage. I went to the DVC this morning to drop off some supplies for the women. They need everything and are so grateful for whatever you bring. One young mother had her 6 week old daughter with her. I held her little baby who was wrapped up like a little Glow Worm, while her mom went through the bag of toiletries I had brought. This alone usually sets me off in tears. A baby so young and a mother so desperate to escape her abuser that she lives in a dingy old house, hidden away from everyone. Grateful, that someone thought to bring her deodorant and Tampax.
I handed back her baby and gave them a hug. I got in to my car and saw it was snowing again. I drove through West Chester that is decorated for the holiday and knew that I was still feeling dead inside. What the hell happened?
What if I am becoming like Ebeneezer Scrooge? Bitter and alone? Christmas is just another day that you wake up and go through the motions?
So, there you have it. The question is this: What is better? Crying your eyes out or feeling nothing at all?
Time to up the Prozac.

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