I Want to Fly and Never Come Down
Some of us are lucky to have tough love friends. I actually have a two and they also happen to be married to each other.
When Dru's husband called a month ago telling me that they bought my airline ticket and I had to go to Florida with them I am sure my outside friends would think I have incredibly nice friends. While it is true they are incredibly nice and they are very good friends, the ulterior motive was to get me away from what they knew was brewing in to a bad situation.
I have spent the past two years of my life numb. I have had my moments of crying and laughing and a steady hum of some form of contentment but when it came to the romance side of life~nothing.
Recently, I have found myself spiraling right back in to that pattern. The sad part is that when this happens, I am too numb to see it. Most of my friends buy my crap lines of inner peace and I am happy. Dru, and her husband, are not those friends.
"You know this will only come back to bite you down the line." This statement was from Dru's husband. I was teetering on the edge of being involved with the wrong person. I knew he was right. If a man is telling you that another man is bad news, you know they are right. When it comes to getting some, most men will stick together. Dru's husband is by no means sappy or sentimental but he is honest. I had that moment of "he is just not that in to you" from a dude. *sigh*
So, the real reason for my trip was to get me out of Dodge. Just like years ago when I would hit the road with the horses, the Tough Love Team knew that the best way to see what a relationship is~ or isn't~ is to remove me physically from the scene of the crime. That is good friendship.
It is strange when you have been alone for so long. You eventually become so used to it you no longer know what a real relationship feels like.
It seems it happens every time. I go for long periods of solitude to being overwhelmed by too much romantic male company. The thing is, it has never has worked for me. For the life of me, I cannot juggle. I am the circus freak who can only juggle one ball. I don't know if it's because I work so much, have too many friends I already socialize with, or maybe my psyche hates sharing, but I could never master dating several men at once.
Dru called me early on the morning of the 13th. The retirement farm for horses, where I worked for several years back in the 90s, had a barn burn down to the ground. "Quick, put on channel 6, Tommy* is being interviewed."
There he was. It had been at least six years since I last saw him. Shoe Man had continued to work as a farrier at the farm even after I left. One of the many strange twists of my life that would leave friends baffled as to how and why I live life the way I do. Tommy and I had kept in sporadic touch after I left the farm. Like a lot of old relationships, it eventually faded away without any fanfare.
Occasionally, Shoe would tell me that Tommy asked for me and said hello.
It was one of the highest points in my life when I took that job. I was the first female barn manager in the one hundred and twenty year history of the farm. I was proud that I came in to a male dominated facility and could keep up with the men in the physical aspect of running a farm with 108 horses. What I didn't count on was being the only female would put me in that position of male attention. Most of it came from a very married Tommy.
It started out innocent enough. We all drank a lot at the farm. After long hours of farm work, we would end the day by sitting in lawn chairs overlooking the pastures, drinking beers and making each other laugh. There were four of us. Three men and myself. It was Tommy who I hit it off with the most. I guess I shouldn't of been surprised when he finally in a drunken stupor proclaimed love. I knew he was a man who would never leave his kids. I chose to walk away from starting a relationship with a married man. We both ignored his drunk confession and continued to stay friends and coworkers.
During this time I was just beginning to date Shoe Man. He was a friend of a friend. I can't say I was head over heels with him, but he was a nice guy who was always there for me. Even Tommy admitted that he would be a good guy for me. So, what did I do? I found myself sucked in to a wild affair with another guy at the farm. This man was also Tommy's best friend since high school. He was supposedly separated from his wife and followed me around like a lovesick puppy. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking getting involved with this guy. Hindsight, I think it was my way of saying to Tommy, "this is what could happen if you left your wife."
The only thing I achieved was breaking up their friendship and having this guy's teenage daughter call me on the phone demanding to know if I was sleeping with her father? Apparently, he was not separated and his wife after all. Tommy was livid. He had known his friend was playing me. He struggled with who his loyalty was to. It turned out to be to me. This turned in to weeks of drunken phone calls and further proclamations of love. He would leave his wife, he would be there for me...blahblahblah. In no time, all of the hard work and respect I achieved at the farm, went down the drain. I handed in my resignation, told Tommy and the other man I wanted nothing romantic from either of them and had Shoe Man move in with me. We were together for seven years. Not once in those seven years, did we ever discuss the triangle that occurred at the farm that he, himself, was still working at.
"Tommy says hello," Shoe would say.
"That's nice, tell him hello back for me," I would respond. Shoe was a good guy that way.
I was quite shocked when three years ago, while I was with Prick, that Tommy called me 11:00 at night in a drunken stupor. "I left her and I have never, ever, stopped loving you." Crap. Why do men do this??? It had been ten years by that point! Needless to say, Prick, did not take this phone call too well. I had to endure the last few months of our relationship with him tormenting me with a barrage of questions of who Tommy was?
As I watched the news, I picked up the phone and dialed Tommy's office. Ten years later I knew the number off the top of my head. His machine came on and I left a message.
"You have to burn down a barn to get me to call you? Whassup wi' dat?"
He called me back an hour later.
"Did you get my letters?" he asked. Oh shit. I immediately felt my stomach drop. I actually felt my heart start to pound in anxiety. "When did you send them?" I asked although I knew already when he sent them. "Right after I called you. Ness, I am so sorry I hurt you all these years. I wrote to apologise for calling you drunk. You didn't deserve that. I figured that you hated me when I never heard from you after I sent you the birthday card."
I never got that card along with any letters. It was as if Prick had kicked me again. I knew immediately what had happened. Right after Tommy's first drunk call my mailbox key disappeared. I had a spare one so I used that until after a month that one disappeared. It took me over a week to get a new lock and key for my mailbox. By then Prick was drinking heavily and we were spiraling closer to our demise. It never occurred to me that he was tampering with my mail. Two years later I should not be shocked, right? Yet, here I was, dealing with the fact Prick once again crossed a boundary and fucked with my life and my own decisions.
"I am leaving for Florida on Wednesday," I told Tommy. He had asked if he could see me? He has been single now for three years. "I've been alone since that night I called you. Are you seeing anyone?I still think about you."
It was then I realized that I recognised something in Tommy's voice. It was 11am and he was drunk.
Dru and her husband had been talking to me about a situation I had recently got myself in to with another man.Whatever it was,I know it was not dating. This situation made me actually think about Skinny. Are we dating? He texts and calls me every day. Am I that clueless in dating? Ummmm, yes. I have no clue what the hell I am doing. I have no clue what the hell these men are doing. I knew Dru was correct. I needed to get the hell out of Dodge and get my ass to Florida, far away from all three of them.
"No," I told Tommy, "for now, it is the best thing. I am still very confused from what I have been through and know I am not ready to be dating anyone. I don't think it's a good idea to see you. I just wanted to say hello and see how the horses were doing."
It is better to be lonely, than to be with someone and still feel alone. Being alone is tangible~I can explain that. Being with someone who always makes me feel confused is the worst kind of loneliness.
I spent the next five days in Florida with my Tough Love Team. I was able to see exactly what I was doing. I had somehow recreated the same scenario in my present, with three men from my past. One has a girlfriend, one has a drinking issue and one is a hell of a nice guy that I have zero romantic interest in. But, this time around, I have something I didn't have back then. I have that insight of what bad decisions will do for my future well being.
So, like a baby bird who was kicked out of the nest by it's loving parents, Dru and her husband made me take my first flight and away from those who were clipping my wings. I never want to come down.
*name changed to protect privacy
We Never Change
I want to live life, and never be cruel
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And i wanna fly
I'll never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we no, no
We never learn do we
So i wanna live, in a wooden house
I wanna live life, and always be true
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And i wanna fly
But never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So i wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy
Oh, and i don't have a soul to save
Yes and i sin every single day
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So i want to live in a wooden house
Where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out
~Coldplay
When Dru's husband called a month ago telling me that they bought my airline ticket and I had to go to Florida with them I am sure my outside friends would think I have incredibly nice friends. While it is true they are incredibly nice and they are very good friends, the ulterior motive was to get me away from what they knew was brewing in to a bad situation.
I have spent the past two years of my life numb. I have had my moments of crying and laughing and a steady hum of some form of contentment but when it came to the romance side of life~nothing.
Recently, I have found myself spiraling right back in to that pattern. The sad part is that when this happens, I am too numb to see it. Most of my friends buy my crap lines of inner peace and I am happy. Dru, and her husband, are not those friends.
"You know this will only come back to bite you down the line." This statement was from Dru's husband. I was teetering on the edge of being involved with the wrong person. I knew he was right. If a man is telling you that another man is bad news, you know they are right. When it comes to getting some, most men will stick together. Dru's husband is by no means sappy or sentimental but he is honest. I had that moment of "he is just not that in to you" from a dude. *sigh*
So, the real reason for my trip was to get me out of Dodge. Just like years ago when I would hit the road with the horses, the Tough Love Team knew that the best way to see what a relationship is~ or isn't~ is to remove me physically from the scene of the crime. That is good friendship.
It is strange when you have been alone for so long. You eventually become so used to it you no longer know what a real relationship feels like.
It seems it happens every time. I go for long periods of solitude to being overwhelmed by too much romantic male company. The thing is, it has never has worked for me. For the life of me, I cannot juggle. I am the circus freak who can only juggle one ball. I don't know if it's because I work so much, have too many friends I already socialize with, or maybe my psyche hates sharing, but I could never master dating several men at once.
Dru called me early on the morning of the 13th. The retirement farm for horses, where I worked for several years back in the 90s, had a barn burn down to the ground. "Quick, put on channel 6, Tommy* is being interviewed."
There he was. It had been at least six years since I last saw him. Shoe Man had continued to work as a farrier at the farm even after I left. One of the many strange twists of my life that would leave friends baffled as to how and why I live life the way I do. Tommy and I had kept in sporadic touch after I left the farm. Like a lot of old relationships, it eventually faded away without any fanfare.
Occasionally, Shoe would tell me that Tommy asked for me and said hello.
It was one of the highest points in my life when I took that job. I was the first female barn manager in the one hundred and twenty year history of the farm. I was proud that I came in to a male dominated facility and could keep up with the men in the physical aspect of running a farm with 108 horses. What I didn't count on was being the only female would put me in that position of male attention. Most of it came from a very married Tommy.
It started out innocent enough. We all drank a lot at the farm. After long hours of farm work, we would end the day by sitting in lawn chairs overlooking the pastures, drinking beers and making each other laugh. There were four of us. Three men and myself. It was Tommy who I hit it off with the most. I guess I shouldn't of been surprised when he finally in a drunken stupor proclaimed love. I knew he was a man who would never leave his kids. I chose to walk away from starting a relationship with a married man. We both ignored his drunk confession and continued to stay friends and coworkers.
During this time I was just beginning to date Shoe Man. He was a friend of a friend. I can't say I was head over heels with him, but he was a nice guy who was always there for me. Even Tommy admitted that he would be a good guy for me. So, what did I do? I found myself sucked in to a wild affair with another guy at the farm. This man was also Tommy's best friend since high school. He was supposedly separated from his wife and followed me around like a lovesick puppy. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking getting involved with this guy. Hindsight, I think it was my way of saying to Tommy, "this is what could happen if you left your wife."
The only thing I achieved was breaking up their friendship and having this guy's teenage daughter call me on the phone demanding to know if I was sleeping with her father? Apparently, he was not separated and his wife after all. Tommy was livid. He had known his friend was playing me. He struggled with who his loyalty was to. It turned out to be to me. This turned in to weeks of drunken phone calls and further proclamations of love. He would leave his wife, he would be there for me...blahblahblah. In no time, all of the hard work and respect I achieved at the farm, went down the drain. I handed in my resignation, told Tommy and the other man I wanted nothing romantic from either of them and had Shoe Man move in with me. We were together for seven years. Not once in those seven years, did we ever discuss the triangle that occurred at the farm that he, himself, was still working at.
"Tommy says hello," Shoe would say.
"That's nice, tell him hello back for me," I would respond. Shoe was a good guy that way.
I was quite shocked when three years ago, while I was with Prick, that Tommy called me 11:00 at night in a drunken stupor. "I left her and I have never, ever, stopped loving you." Crap. Why do men do this??? It had been ten years by that point! Needless to say, Prick, did not take this phone call too well. I had to endure the last few months of our relationship with him tormenting me with a barrage of questions of who Tommy was?
As I watched the news, I picked up the phone and dialed Tommy's office. Ten years later I knew the number off the top of my head. His machine came on and I left a message.
"You have to burn down a barn to get me to call you? Whassup wi' dat?"
He called me back an hour later.
"Did you get my letters?" he asked. Oh shit. I immediately felt my stomach drop. I actually felt my heart start to pound in anxiety. "When did you send them?" I asked although I knew already when he sent them. "Right after I called you. Ness, I am so sorry I hurt you all these years. I wrote to apologise for calling you drunk. You didn't deserve that. I figured that you hated me when I never heard from you after I sent you the birthday card."
I never got that card along with any letters. It was as if Prick had kicked me again. I knew immediately what had happened. Right after Tommy's first drunk call my mailbox key disappeared. I had a spare one so I used that until after a month that one disappeared. It took me over a week to get a new lock and key for my mailbox. By then Prick was drinking heavily and we were spiraling closer to our demise. It never occurred to me that he was tampering with my mail. Two years later I should not be shocked, right? Yet, here I was, dealing with the fact Prick once again crossed a boundary and fucked with my life and my own decisions.
"I am leaving for Florida on Wednesday," I told Tommy. He had asked if he could see me? He has been single now for three years. "I've been alone since that night I called you. Are you seeing anyone?I still think about you."
It was then I realized that I recognised something in Tommy's voice. It was 11am and he was drunk.
Dru and her husband had been talking to me about a situation I had recently got myself in to with another man.Whatever it was,I know it was not dating. This situation made me actually think about Skinny. Are we dating? He texts and calls me every day. Am I that clueless in dating? Ummmm, yes. I have no clue what the hell I am doing. I have no clue what the hell these men are doing. I knew Dru was correct. I needed to get the hell out of Dodge and get my ass to Florida, far away from all three of them.
"No," I told Tommy, "for now, it is the best thing. I am still very confused from what I have been through and know I am not ready to be dating anyone. I don't think it's a good idea to see you. I just wanted to say hello and see how the horses were doing."
It is better to be lonely, than to be with someone and still feel alone. Being alone is tangible~I can explain that. Being with someone who always makes me feel confused is the worst kind of loneliness.
I spent the next five days in Florida with my Tough Love Team. I was able to see exactly what I was doing. I had somehow recreated the same scenario in my present, with three men from my past. One has a girlfriend, one has a drinking issue and one is a hell of a nice guy that I have zero romantic interest in. But, this time around, I have something I didn't have back then. I have that insight of what bad decisions will do for my future well being.
So, like a baby bird who was kicked out of the nest by it's loving parents, Dru and her husband made me take my first flight and away from those who were clipping my wings. I never want to come down.
*name changed to protect privacy
We Never Change
I want to live life, and never be cruel
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And i wanna fly
I'll never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we no, no
We never learn do we
So i wanna live, in a wooden house
I wanna live life, and always be true
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And i wanna fly
But never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So i wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy
Oh, and i don't have a soul to save
Yes and i sin every single day
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So i want to live in a wooden house
Where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out
~Coldplay
Comments
I have to admit that the many weird things that have happened to me end up being chalked up as learning experiences. Whaich is good, but sometimes the learning means you give up a piece of yourself that you liked. Which tends to suck when you think that getting older means giving up things. Even if you ARE learning.
Then I think of the "Life in Hell" cartoon where the character asks, "would you rather be miserable and smart, or happy and stupid?"...
Mac-Ale
I think I do have an ideal relationship in my head. Or, should I say, that after all of these years, I am finally understanding what I don't want in a relationship? I just hope that somewhere down the line, I find the one who shares the same ideas.
I am often asked by both readers and friends, if I hate men or am I afraid of relationships after Prick? I don't think I am. I think I have just finally come to accept the wisdom that it is not worth compromising your inner peace just for the sake of being with someone. I am still holding out that there is that one great, every cell in your body vibrates with joy,love. You know...the kind of love that makes you happy and stupid.
*sigh* for now, I shall settle for kind of miserable and smarter than I was before.
FANTASTICO!!!
All the best and love and light,
Surry!