Saturday, November 27, 2010

Aint That What You Said?

  Anyone who knows me long enough, knows there are two things Evanesco hates more than anything. Liars and the shorter days. Oh, and holidays, which are always referred to as hellidays. If you knew my family or my childhood you would definitely get that.

 As hard as I tried to not get in that helliday funk, I did. I really tried on Thanksgiving. I was with friends I love. I had a bonding with the friend who hosted it. I walked away that night knowing that once again, I seem to be the only person in the world who thinks that withholding information, is a lie. From my own personal experience, it's the worst of them all.
 What I didn't expect was to come home to an empty house and the only person who contacted me was an ex who wanted to tell me he was thankful I was always honest with him. Good fer you,buddy. I came home to am empty house on a helliday but I am honest. Good fer me.

 Is it me, or do I sense I am not getting the truth out of life?


Fast Film said...

First of all, I going to counter your 3Dog Night song with another one that they covered, except by a better singer:
as a retort to why people are the way they are.

Secondly, you should ruminate on the other P.O.V. and its origins. People lie because they're down with being cruel and don't care; people omit info because they they don't want to be cruel and they do care.

I happen to think the motives make a huge difference in this aspect of character because of how it all feels, and hope you can remind yourself of this occasionally. Pain is pain, but there's a huge difference in how it was inflicted: deliberately or as unintended consequence. It's the difference between a sadist and a normal, fallible human being who wants to interact with you. Not everyone is a sadist just because you've had the horrendous bad luck to have interacted with one with the extreme pathology of same. The rest of us are normal, flawed humans (I'm being very generous to call myself "normal" to make a point here!) so remind yourself of that in between beating yourself up.

At least I'm out here in Online Land sharing your notion of "the hellidays."

Evanesco said...

Awesome Jennifer Warnes. Thanks, it's one of my faves from Hair.
I think I just had that final meltdown of not understanding what motivates people. Twice in one week I had that feeling of being thrown under the bus to protect someone else's mistake. The fact that withholding the truth and then being frozen in shock just set me back to what tactics Prick used so often on me.
The old, "well,you never asked" is making me freak out that I have let my guard down. I met a nice man and in one week everything went to shit because of the demons in my own head. I spent the rest of the week thinking of what it is I am supposed to ask? Instead of asking, I meltdown.
Now, I'm going to relisten to Jennifer Warnes and remember to trust my heart, even if it is still in tiny,shattered pieces.
Happy Hellidays Fastfilm! Thank God for music to set it right. :)

Anonymous said...

This was a sad post. I felt for you, coming home to an empty house. But where was Des the Dingo? What's happened to Steve? And how is Jan?

I'm asking you deliberately dumb questions to show you there is love in your life. It just vanishes around holidays or when you're low (or both at once). Or when you lose someone.

I believe telling lies and not giving information about oneself are two different things, but then I'm not sure I understand your post. I have lied all my life about being bipolar, and felt I had to to keep jobs, friends, boyfriends, etc. BUT! Now that I'm in my 50s I feel better about who I am and have even agreed to go on radio to talk about the chapter I contributed to a book about people with bipolar. Black and White doesn't work in this difficult life we live -- there are lies and then there is self-protection, maybe.

Evanesco, when you sent a post about Xanax man I didn't get back to you, wrapped up as I was in my own nonsense. But I was so happy for you. He sounded lovely.

As are you. Take care Girl!

Evanesco said...

Thank you to Anonymous.
You are correct in different types of lies. The White ones, I get. The postponing until the right time...I'm coming to terms with that. But deliberate, not telling the truth because your deception is self serving...I just cannot wrap around that.
When I originally posted this I was angry at myself for not following my gut, which was to stay home and ignore the helliday, but even angrier that the one person who called to say they appreciated my honesty is someone I have been lying for, two years. To protect his career, his relationships, his wants. I actually saw for the first time what a hypocrite I am. It took me a couple of days to realise what it was that I have done. Suddenly the man I am in love with I felt the need to run. I never knew how far back and how insiduous emotional abuse really is. The harder I try and protect Xanax Man the worse I make it.
My favorite expression is, "One finger pointing in accusation, is three pointing back at ya."