False Hopes

 If there is one thing I dislike most in life, it's knowing I am trapped. Trapped in a bad job, a place I live or the worst of them all~a bad relationship. Whether it's with a romantic partner or friend. If I feel smothered or forced to stay, I will run for the hills.
 When my friendships started shifting I blamed heavy work schedules. As we all have gotten older our responsibilities and need for sleep seemed to cut back on socializing as much. The hardest was losing one of my longest friendships which was Mich. Of all my long-time friends, she was the only one who had a child. I'm not sure what a psychologist would make of my friends? Almost all of us chose to remain childless by choice. Were we the by-product of bad parents? Many of my childless friends have parents who are still married so we can't blame it on them.
 When I met my husband, he was the human equivalent of a fairy tale creature. A unicorn in a dating world, filled with extended families and steps of stepchildren. Shoe Man left me for one of those women who had a couple divorces behind her and baggage of fighting custodies of children from each marriage. 
 He and I lived together for seven years. I was seven years older than him. It was a shock when he announced he wanted children when I turned 38. We all have heard stories of couples who spend money on fertility treatments and have a first child at age 40. My issue was this came from a man who could not save a dime. My standpoint on children was that if I ever felt the yearning to have them, I would never be a working mom until they were school age. I was a latchkey kid. I also know myself. I cannot emotionally juggle children and a job. I also didn't want a man who was never home because he had to work two jobs to afford children he insisted on having. This conversation was discussed and analyzed for six months. 

Then Shoe, suddenly moved on and found a woman even older than me. She had the instant family and money to support him.

 Years later, I can say it was a good move on his part. He got what he wanted. I drifted on at an age that was making it almost impossible to date someone childless. I don't have issues with another man's children. I found more times than not, the mother of those children didn't like their man moving on with another woman who would see their children. The fact I had never had children seemed to make me a pariah of sorts. 
 My good friend Skinny is still childless. We both will admit we are also pretty childish. We still laugh and joke like we did when we first met in our teens. His theory is that friends who do have children are secretly jealous of us. We have nothing holding us back. We can move in the middle of a school year. We can stay up late and blast music without worrying it will keep anyone awake. We spend money on things that seem selfish if you need to provide for a child. We cuss and drink and speak of subjects unfiltered. No swear jar on my counter.
 One of the hardest obstacles is explaining to breeders is that I am not childless because I dislike children. I love kids. I just never felt a need to bear one.

Some are convinced we need to keep family names, going. My husband is for good reason, convinced it is ok to let it die with him.

Once again, I have no idea why I'm writing this

Are blogs my form of children? A strange way of leaving something of myself?

I don't have a written will. 

I guess if someone bothers reading what I write, You are my soul child/sister/brother.

Just keep trying to keep the melodies going.