Face It
The sun has finally returned. After almost two weeks of clouds and rain I was beginning to feel mildewed as well as depressed.
Romeo had a massive injury on Sunday. He came in for evening feed with a gaping wound and blood everywhere. He cut the back part of his upper pastern of his right hind leg. It took the vet an hour just to stitch him up. At one point the blood was spurting out like a bad cartoon. Luckily it was only skin and blood vessels. No tendons or ligaments. So, they are both stall bound for ten days and we are keeping our fingers crossed that there is no infection or tearing of the stitches.
I spent all day yesterday driving around looking for pelleted horse bedding. Seems Canada is the main supplier and a lot of supply houses cut back when the gas prices were so high. Now there is a shortage. I really don't want to switch to shavings because they would stick to Romeo's bandage. I absolutely hate straw but I may have to break down and purchase some. It is so ridiculously high and Syd likes to eat straw. Personally, I love peat moss as a bedding but my aunt refuses. She just can't stand the smell.
Damned Canadians. I want my pellets back!
Saturday night my best friend had a party for her husband's 40th birthday. All of our closest friends were there. Two of my friends are going through their own bad break ups. I was sad to see my one oldest and dearest friend look so empty.
"Prozac" she told me.
Ahhhh, I know it well. That first initial flat-lining. I assured her it eventually goes away but truthfully,I am not so sure.
I think I am back to my "normal" self ~and yes, I purposely own those quotes~ but I know I am not really my same old self. For one thing,I don't freak out over everything like I used to. I rarely cry anymore and I just have absolutely zero love interest besides horses. Is that Prozac or self preservation?
My aunt kept telling me she was glad that I could stay so calm during Romeo's ordeal. I was trying to think back to all of this past year's crisis, my panic attacks out of nowhere, and my meltdowns. Does Prozac really help? I was calm with Romeo because I had to be. When it comes down to it I know what is the right thing to do and when. Prozac or not, I would of done the same thing. If I could get through euthanizing both Gwen and Merlin, what was a few stitches?
I called my doctor yesterday and asked if we could start weaning me off the Prozac? She pointed out that I was still having panic attacks. I argued that was the exact point. If I am having them anyway, why flat line everything else? Truthfully, they have lessened since Prick was sentenced. I know there is no scientific basis for this, but I really think my panic attacks are a build up of whatever got flat lined in the first place. I want to start sweating the small stuff again. Isn't it the small stuff that matters? If I don't feel the need to deal with small stuff where does it go? I mean, it's still there, whether you deal with it or not. Isn't it better to just get it over with as it happens rather than wake up one day with an explosion and a complete break down?
I know, there is no answer. I just keep thinking of my friend's expression. I am just so afraid that is what other people see on my own face.
Romeo had a massive injury on Sunday. He came in for evening feed with a gaping wound and blood everywhere. He cut the back part of his upper pastern of his right hind leg. It took the vet an hour just to stitch him up. At one point the blood was spurting out like a bad cartoon. Luckily it was only skin and blood vessels. No tendons or ligaments. So, they are both stall bound for ten days and we are keeping our fingers crossed that there is no infection or tearing of the stitches.
I spent all day yesterday driving around looking for pelleted horse bedding. Seems Canada is the main supplier and a lot of supply houses cut back when the gas prices were so high. Now there is a shortage. I really don't want to switch to shavings because they would stick to Romeo's bandage. I absolutely hate straw but I may have to break down and purchase some. It is so ridiculously high and Syd likes to eat straw. Personally, I love peat moss as a bedding but my aunt refuses. She just can't stand the smell.
Damned Canadians. I want my pellets back!
Saturday night my best friend had a party for her husband's 40th birthday. All of our closest friends were there. Two of my friends are going through their own bad break ups. I was sad to see my one oldest and dearest friend look so empty.
"Prozac" she told me.
Ahhhh, I know it well. That first initial flat-lining. I assured her it eventually goes away but truthfully,I am not so sure.
I think I am back to my "normal" self ~and yes, I purposely own those quotes~ but I know I am not really my same old self. For one thing,I don't freak out over everything like I used to. I rarely cry anymore and I just have absolutely zero love interest besides horses. Is that Prozac or self preservation?
My aunt kept telling me she was glad that I could stay so calm during Romeo's ordeal. I was trying to think back to all of this past year's crisis, my panic attacks out of nowhere, and my meltdowns. Does Prozac really help? I was calm with Romeo because I had to be. When it comes down to it I know what is the right thing to do and when. Prozac or not, I would of done the same thing. If I could get through euthanizing both Gwen and Merlin, what was a few stitches?
I called my doctor yesterday and asked if we could start weaning me off the Prozac? She pointed out that I was still having panic attacks. I argued that was the exact point. If I am having them anyway, why flat line everything else? Truthfully, they have lessened since Prick was sentenced. I know there is no scientific basis for this, but I really think my panic attacks are a build up of whatever got flat lined in the first place. I want to start sweating the small stuff again. Isn't it the small stuff that matters? If I don't feel the need to deal with small stuff where does it go? I mean, it's still there, whether you deal with it or not. Isn't it better to just get it over with as it happens rather than wake up one day with an explosion and a complete break down?
I know, there is no answer. I just keep thinking of my friend's expression. I am just so afraid that is what other people see on my own face.
Comments
Love ya,
~S~
Hope to see you around :)
Ohhh I do hope that Romeo is alright. However, with you taking care of him, I don't know how he could not be. :)
I used to have panic attacks as well. I was also on anti-depressants. Once I understood the signs of a panic attack, I asked my doctor to take me off the AD's. I still have panic attacks, however, usually when I feel one coming on, I visualize and do breathing exercises. It helps tremendously. You should give that a try next time you feel one coming on, AD's or not, it's really helpful. In addition, at night, before bed, I do relaxing breathing exercises and I visualize a nice homey cottage in Ireland.
Btw, all I see (hmmm read?) in you is strength and courage. Don't forget that's what got you through everything to begin with. Keep it up girl, and know that you're cherished and loved!!!