Life is a Beach
I think it is fair to say that another birthday sucked. You would think that by age 29...oh,you caught that? OK, 39? *sigh* Whatever. You would think by my mature (?) age I would be over the birthday thing.
Like most children of broken, alcoholic families my life has been filled with disappointments on any holiday. I can remember a Christmas day sitting alone watching cartoons until my father finally called and said I could open my presents. I called my best friend to come over so I could at least make fake squeaky noises of glee each time I opened a gift. I think I was 13 years old.
My sister can attest the birthday deal. If we wanted a party we had to be the initiators. Neither parent seemed to remember what day our birthday was even though my sister's was a few days before my mothers and I was two days after my dad. I just thought that was how everyone spent holidays or birthdays. If you want to have fun you have to be the one to initiate it. Parents were rarely, if ever, a part of it.
When I was in first grade I would attend a friend's birthday party.It is my first memory of the fact that my family was different. This girl was dressed in your typical 1975 outfit of a groovy, bright pink, mini dress with white,patent leather Mary Jane shoes. Even at age six I had shoe-envy. What stood out in my memory was how Brady Bunch the party was. Streamers and balloons, birthday napkins and plates,playing pin-the-tail (I asked for the cardboard donkey afterwards, which the mom complied) and best of all, a big store-bought cake covered with pink roses and her named spelled out. I was fascinated by that cake. The perfect lettering,the swirls of icing on the side. I didn't want them to cut it. To me, that was a present in itself and should be put back in the box and only to be admired.
Years later, my sister had her friends over for her teenage birthday (sorry Petey~ the year escapes me...I'm old now) Much to her horror our black Labrador had eaten half of her cake that our babysitter had made for the occasion. My dad thought nothing of cutting the half-eaten part off and serving what was left with candles on it. My thought now as an adult is, I'm surprised my father was even home to humiliate his daughters. Kudos that pop was actually home for a change. He must of been trying to hook up with the babysitter.
Ahhhh, Memory Lane. Let's all sing Morrissey's "Late Night, Maudlin Street" because the truth is, these memories are actually humorous to my sister and I. My brother barely speaks to the family so I'm not sure he shares the same coping skills that Petey and I do. I now always refer to any impending holidays as "the Hellidays" and birthdays as "that Sixteen Candles Day" in reference to the funny John Hughes view of teen birthday angst. If it can go wrong,it does. Now we just find humour in how bad they can suck. It would be a disappointment if they didn't.
So,yesterday was no exception. Last year, I had what I thought was a final break-up with Prick a week before my birthday. He had started drinking again and sent an email from my address to my friend who is Native American. It was a copy and pasted article about how other forms of supposed spirituality are gateways for Satan. When my friend confronted me I was shocked and horrified at this. Not only did I not endorse or believe one bit of the article,it made me sick to think of anyone having such intolerance. To know it was the man who was continually trying to change my spiritual beliefs and now imposing it on a friend who I respected so much...well, it was the last straw. So I thought.
As typical in abusive relationships,Prick was great at playing the sorry game. Having his sponsor from AA call me to talk about alcoholic psychosis to seeing a counselor to verbally apologizing to my friend and playing up to her abusive past that was so like his own. He knew exactly how to manipulate. By this point I was spiritually beaten down. His non stop phone calls,coming to my work, barrage of letters and flowers where all too much. I told myself that I would not cave in and enough was enough. But somehow I did cave.
On the day of my birthday he insisted on coming to my sister's house to celebrate my birthday. I really did not want him there. The only time I enjoy my birthday is when I am with my sister, so having him there was another invasion of the only functioning relationship I have in my dysfunctional family. But once again he called me a hundred times that day pleading. He kept telling me he needed to make up to me for all the days he ruined by his drinking. I finally conceded because deep down I knew that even if I said no he would show up anyway.
Growing up in a strict Methodist environment one learns that we don't let on anything is wrong,even to our family. Things are not talked about and God forbid! Do not even think of spoiling a happy occasion such as being unhappy on your birthday. My father would deny this but for some reason I was the one in the family who got this message growing up and even now struggle to not act it out. I envy my sister that she somehow escaped this self imposed guilt thing. She can easily tell people that they suck and ruined her birthday and please pass the cake. If she is scarred she can tell people she is and let's move on.
For years I denied even to myself that days like this send me in to an internal hell. It seems each year becomes another notch on the dysfunctional family tree. Prick proved that this was something he quite enjoyed. He not only showed up at my sister's but then proceeded to propose to me in front of my entire family. The diamond was huge. My first instinct was to scream no. But the decorum in me graciously accepted it and did all the Hollywood things like gush and say yes. I pretended it was my best birthday ever and somehow became engaged to a man who deep down hated me almost as much as I hated myself at that point.
One of the worst parts of being in that relationship was the feeling of losing myself and what I always felt was a strong sense of spirituality. My friends always told me I had the gift of intuition. I was one of the lucky people who could see things through feeling energy around me. I think everyone has it but whatever your external experiences are, dictate how you use it as an adult. I am still struggling to regain what I feel someone stole from me. No matter how other relationships in my past ended they were all left with a feeling of my Higher Self intact. This time I was shattered in to a million bits. Thank God I have great friends with really good glue. We are getting there.
The past few weeks were unsettling. I kept blaming the horse shows and missing Gwen (which is still true) but there was something else I couldn't articulate. It was just that gut feeling. I kept looking for signs but they weren't there. When I expressed this to my counselor at the Domestic Violence Center she was happy that I was at least feeling again. I spent the past year so traumatized I was virtually numb when it came to the feeling energy part. The only time I seem to have it is with animals but people put my wall right up. The last thing I could possibly want is feeling someone who I am terrified of. But there it was. I felt him. I knew something was amiss and he was either drinking or having some psychosis that I was picking up on.
It was one of the reasons I decided to do the beach trip. I thought removing myself from where I was and going to a place I always felt healing would jump my internal energy back on track. That was exactly how it felt. I drove home and knew I needed that.
The funny thing about our Higher Selves is that the put us on a healing path that we normally wouldn't take if we let our earthly selves have a say. Obviously I wouldn't have chosen the parents I have or the spouses or boyfriends I have had and the list could go on. Who doesn't want the easy path? Often I think to myself that I wish I was numb and dumb. Who needs to live a spiritual life? There are plenty of numb and dumb people who seem quite happy to me.
But when the a-ha moment comes and that feeling of whatever God is surrounds me for that moment, all the pain is worthwhile. It is what I keep trudging on and keep trying to achieve. That Inner peace.
This week found my mailbox full of affirmations that my birthday should be a happy day. Emails were sent,phone calls, all the nice things people do to tell you they love you. Deep down that little voice kept screaming,"BOUNDARIES!"
When I saw my counselor on Monday we scientifically chalked it up to my memory and finally processing Prick's violation last year that was giving me that feeling this birthday. It is uncomfortable, but processing it and finally feeling it are healing.
Ummm, OK. You say so. But deep down, I knew my Higher Self knew something my earth self was denying.
Confirmation came the night before my birthday. We have had a record breaking heatwave this June. All week the heat index hovered in the 100 degree mark. Tuesday night the break finally came in the form of a violent thunderstorm. I watched the sky get blacker and lightening fork across the sky as I drove home from work. The winds started gusting when I pulled in to my development. I contemplated not getting my mail since it looked like it would pour any second. My gut told me to get it tonight because I knew I wouldn't remember to get it before work the next morning.
I just made it in to my door when the storm hit. It was one of those storms where it sounds like the world is being hit with bombs. The power kept flickering. I sat on my sofa and watched the world tear around in heated fury,fighting the cooler air that was trying to take over. I started to sift through my mail. A card from Bev (thanks Bev!) a card from my exes mom (awww, she is so sweet) a card from my godson (he makes me smile) and then my blood ran cold. I knew the writing. Lord knows I had enough "I'm sorry" letters from Prick to have his writing burned in to my brain forever. I opened it and then called my best friend. All I could keep saying was "I knew it but denied it."
It's not just the fact that this is a direct violation of the zero contact ordered by the judge in Prick's sentencing or the obvious disregard of the protection Order I had served to him, it was what he wrote inside that made me have to hang up the phone with Mich to vomit.
"I saw you in LBI and your car parked at *** Street. I was so sad I couldn't sit my chair next to you. It hurts me down to my very marrow to know I can't hold you again."
My past blog of finding my Inner peace at the beach suddenly seems like a shallow lie. Once again, the man has invaded my very soul, stealing anything that has any spiritual value to me.
I called my lawyer and left a message. I never slept that night. I watched the clock turn to midnight and hugged my cat Kenni. It seemed like the best way to welcome another Sixteen Candles day. (BTW~ Thanks to Cindy for the 12:00 birthday greeting that did make me smile. YOU ROCK!)
My lawyer called me at 6AM. She told me to call the police. They came and took the card and envelope as evidence. All day at work I tried to juggle clients,birthday greetings and cake with my co-workers along with phone calls from the police,the District Attorney's office and a friend at the probation office. I was finally told at 5:00PM that a possible bench warrant would be issued some time the next day (meaning today)for Prick violating the terms of his probation.
Throughout the night I talked with family and friends making nice birthday talk. When another friend who knows my hatred of my birthday called me last night to wish me a happy day I finally told her what happened. She just kept whispering, "shit." My sentiments,exactly. I had to laugh when she exclaimed that we needed to start preparing now for next years infliction of hell.
Even my ex husband text ed a birthday greeting. Dog. Hrumph.
I finally lost it when Shoe-Man called. It was the first time I cried all day. I realized that with Prick I will never have the luxury of a pleasant birthday greeting from an ex. With him I will always feel like a piece of my soul got ripped out.
Before we hung up, Shoe-Man asked if I got any good birthday presents?
"I think I have a nice bench ordered," I told him.
"What kind of wood?" Shoe-Man asked.
I had to laugh. It is one of the many reasons why we are no longer a couple. Sweet guy, who just didn't get my jokes.
Like most children of broken, alcoholic families my life has been filled with disappointments on any holiday. I can remember a Christmas day sitting alone watching cartoons until my father finally called and said I could open my presents. I called my best friend to come over so I could at least make fake squeaky noises of glee each time I opened a gift. I think I was 13 years old.
My sister can attest the birthday deal. If we wanted a party we had to be the initiators. Neither parent seemed to remember what day our birthday was even though my sister's was a few days before my mothers and I was two days after my dad. I just thought that was how everyone spent holidays or birthdays. If you want to have fun you have to be the one to initiate it. Parents were rarely, if ever, a part of it.
When I was in first grade I would attend a friend's birthday party.It is my first memory of the fact that my family was different. This girl was dressed in your typical 1975 outfit of a groovy, bright pink, mini dress with white,patent leather Mary Jane shoes. Even at age six I had shoe-envy. What stood out in my memory was how Brady Bunch the party was. Streamers and balloons, birthday napkins and plates,playing pin-the-tail (I asked for the cardboard donkey afterwards, which the mom complied) and best of all, a big store-bought cake covered with pink roses and her named spelled out. I was fascinated by that cake. The perfect lettering,the swirls of icing on the side. I didn't want them to cut it. To me, that was a present in itself and should be put back in the box and only to be admired.
Years later, my sister had her friends over for her teenage birthday (sorry Petey~ the year escapes me...I'm old now) Much to her horror our black Labrador had eaten half of her cake that our babysitter had made for the occasion. My dad thought nothing of cutting the half-eaten part off and serving what was left with candles on it. My thought now as an adult is, I'm surprised my father was even home to humiliate his daughters. Kudos that pop was actually home for a change. He must of been trying to hook up with the babysitter.
Ahhhh, Memory Lane. Let's all sing Morrissey's "Late Night, Maudlin Street" because the truth is, these memories are actually humorous to my sister and I. My brother barely speaks to the family so I'm not sure he shares the same coping skills that Petey and I do. I now always refer to any impending holidays as "the Hellidays" and birthdays as "that Sixteen Candles Day" in reference to the funny John Hughes view of teen birthday angst. If it can go wrong,it does. Now we just find humour in how bad they can suck. It would be a disappointment if they didn't.
So,yesterday was no exception. Last year, I had what I thought was a final break-up with Prick a week before my birthday. He had started drinking again and sent an email from my address to my friend who is Native American. It was a copy and pasted article about how other forms of supposed spirituality are gateways for Satan. When my friend confronted me I was shocked and horrified at this. Not only did I not endorse or believe one bit of the article,it made me sick to think of anyone having such intolerance. To know it was the man who was continually trying to change my spiritual beliefs and now imposing it on a friend who I respected so much...well, it was the last straw. So I thought.
As typical in abusive relationships,Prick was great at playing the sorry game. Having his sponsor from AA call me to talk about alcoholic psychosis to seeing a counselor to verbally apologizing to my friend and playing up to her abusive past that was so like his own. He knew exactly how to manipulate. By this point I was spiritually beaten down. His non stop phone calls,coming to my work, barrage of letters and flowers where all too much. I told myself that I would not cave in and enough was enough. But somehow I did cave.
On the day of my birthday he insisted on coming to my sister's house to celebrate my birthday. I really did not want him there. The only time I enjoy my birthday is when I am with my sister, so having him there was another invasion of the only functioning relationship I have in my dysfunctional family. But once again he called me a hundred times that day pleading. He kept telling me he needed to make up to me for all the days he ruined by his drinking. I finally conceded because deep down I knew that even if I said no he would show up anyway.
Growing up in a strict Methodist environment one learns that we don't let on anything is wrong,even to our family. Things are not talked about and God forbid! Do not even think of spoiling a happy occasion such as being unhappy on your birthday. My father would deny this but for some reason I was the one in the family who got this message growing up and even now struggle to not act it out. I envy my sister that she somehow escaped this self imposed guilt thing. She can easily tell people that they suck and ruined her birthday and please pass the cake. If she is scarred she can tell people she is and let's move on.
For years I denied even to myself that days like this send me in to an internal hell. It seems each year becomes another notch on the dysfunctional family tree. Prick proved that this was something he quite enjoyed. He not only showed up at my sister's but then proceeded to propose to me in front of my entire family. The diamond was huge. My first instinct was to scream no. But the decorum in me graciously accepted it and did all the Hollywood things like gush and say yes. I pretended it was my best birthday ever and somehow became engaged to a man who deep down hated me almost as much as I hated myself at that point.
One of the worst parts of being in that relationship was the feeling of losing myself and what I always felt was a strong sense of spirituality. My friends always told me I had the gift of intuition. I was one of the lucky people who could see things through feeling energy around me. I think everyone has it but whatever your external experiences are, dictate how you use it as an adult. I am still struggling to regain what I feel someone stole from me. No matter how other relationships in my past ended they were all left with a feeling of my Higher Self intact. This time I was shattered in to a million bits. Thank God I have great friends with really good glue. We are getting there.
The past few weeks were unsettling. I kept blaming the horse shows and missing Gwen (which is still true) but there was something else I couldn't articulate. It was just that gut feeling. I kept looking for signs but they weren't there. When I expressed this to my counselor at the Domestic Violence Center she was happy that I was at least feeling again. I spent the past year so traumatized I was virtually numb when it came to the feeling energy part. The only time I seem to have it is with animals but people put my wall right up. The last thing I could possibly want is feeling someone who I am terrified of. But there it was. I felt him. I knew something was amiss and he was either drinking or having some psychosis that I was picking up on.
It was one of the reasons I decided to do the beach trip. I thought removing myself from where I was and going to a place I always felt healing would jump my internal energy back on track. That was exactly how it felt. I drove home and knew I needed that.
The funny thing about our Higher Selves is that the put us on a healing path that we normally wouldn't take if we let our earthly selves have a say. Obviously I wouldn't have chosen the parents I have or the spouses or boyfriends I have had and the list could go on. Who doesn't want the easy path? Often I think to myself that I wish I was numb and dumb. Who needs to live a spiritual life? There are plenty of numb and dumb people who seem quite happy to me.
But when the a-ha moment comes and that feeling of whatever God is surrounds me for that moment, all the pain is worthwhile. It is what I keep trudging on and keep trying to achieve. That Inner peace.
This week found my mailbox full of affirmations that my birthday should be a happy day. Emails were sent,phone calls, all the nice things people do to tell you they love you. Deep down that little voice kept screaming,"BOUNDARIES!"
When I saw my counselor on Monday we scientifically chalked it up to my memory and finally processing Prick's violation last year that was giving me that feeling this birthday. It is uncomfortable, but processing it and finally feeling it are healing.
Ummm, OK. You say so. But deep down, I knew my Higher Self knew something my earth self was denying.
Confirmation came the night before my birthday. We have had a record breaking heatwave this June. All week the heat index hovered in the 100 degree mark. Tuesday night the break finally came in the form of a violent thunderstorm. I watched the sky get blacker and lightening fork across the sky as I drove home from work. The winds started gusting when I pulled in to my development. I contemplated not getting my mail since it looked like it would pour any second. My gut told me to get it tonight because I knew I wouldn't remember to get it before work the next morning.
I just made it in to my door when the storm hit. It was one of those storms where it sounds like the world is being hit with bombs. The power kept flickering. I sat on my sofa and watched the world tear around in heated fury,fighting the cooler air that was trying to take over. I started to sift through my mail. A card from Bev (thanks Bev!) a card from my exes mom (awww, she is so sweet) a card from my godson (he makes me smile) and then my blood ran cold. I knew the writing. Lord knows I had enough "I'm sorry" letters from Prick to have his writing burned in to my brain forever. I opened it and then called my best friend. All I could keep saying was "I knew it but denied it."
It's not just the fact that this is a direct violation of the zero contact ordered by the judge in Prick's sentencing or the obvious disregard of the protection Order I had served to him, it was what he wrote inside that made me have to hang up the phone with Mich to vomit.
"I saw you in LBI and your car parked at *** Street. I was so sad I couldn't sit my chair next to you. It hurts me down to my very marrow to know I can't hold you again."
My past blog of finding my Inner peace at the beach suddenly seems like a shallow lie. Once again, the man has invaded my very soul, stealing anything that has any spiritual value to me.
I called my lawyer and left a message. I never slept that night. I watched the clock turn to midnight and hugged my cat Kenni. It seemed like the best way to welcome another Sixteen Candles day. (BTW~ Thanks to Cindy for the 12:00 birthday greeting that did make me smile. YOU ROCK!)
My lawyer called me at 6AM. She told me to call the police. They came and took the card and envelope as evidence. All day at work I tried to juggle clients,birthday greetings and cake with my co-workers along with phone calls from the police,the District Attorney's office and a friend at the probation office. I was finally told at 5:00PM that a possible bench warrant would be issued some time the next day (meaning today)for Prick violating the terms of his probation.
Throughout the night I talked with family and friends making nice birthday talk. When another friend who knows my hatred of my birthday called me last night to wish me a happy day I finally told her what happened. She just kept whispering, "shit." My sentiments,exactly. I had to laugh when she exclaimed that we needed to start preparing now for next years infliction of hell.
Even my ex husband text ed a birthday greeting. Dog. Hrumph.
I finally lost it when Shoe-Man called. It was the first time I cried all day. I realized that with Prick I will never have the luxury of a pleasant birthday greeting from an ex. With him I will always feel like a piece of my soul got ripped out.
Before we hung up, Shoe-Man asked if I got any good birthday presents?
"I think I have a nice bench ordered," I told him.
"What kind of wood?" Shoe-Man asked.
I had to laugh. It is one of the many reasons why we are no longer a couple. Sweet guy, who just didn't get my jokes.
Comments
I am grateful no ex of mine has ever done things to me like that, and I've had some pretty bad exes.
Hugs and positive thoughts to you!
I say, pick a new day (not your birthday, just a random day of the year) and just celebrate your life and triumphs. Hell, you don't even have to tell anyone else it's your day. Just make it like, the birthday you always wanted - go where you want, do what you want, spend time with who you want.
~Cindy