So I'll do flips, and get paid in chips from a diamond as big as the Ritz~then I'm calling it quits
Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
Quotes from: When Harry Met Sally
This was supposed to be a healing day. Actually as crappy as I am feeling right now, it probably still was one. As typical of myself, I hate change and I hate the rug being pulled out from under me. If there is healing, I am fighting it and feeling miserable while it is processing.
These past few weeks have been rough. Between Prick's petty vandalism to my home and car, to his bizarre postings online and the approaching date of my birthday and our supposed engagement anniversary, I have felt on edge.
Spring is a time of constant equine functions,whether I am attending horse shows, riding or stepping up my massage business. This is the first year I have noticed a decline in work and in attendance at the horse shows. This,along with the fact that I miss Gwen so much has left me crying at the drop of a hat. Losing Sweet Pea while I was already in a state of despair was the icing on the cake. So I thought.
I was just starting to get back in the saddle emotionally. I was spending a lot of time with Sydney and Romeo. I would spread a blanket on the hill next to the pond that is in the middle of the pasture. I would then lie back and meditate, letting my brain go loose with whatever it needed to do. After a week of depression and anxiety I finally started to feel like "me" again. I was more in tune with my surroundings and began to feel the healing energy of everything around me. I took comfort in seeing both Gwen and Sweet Pea's graves having a fresh carpet of green grass growing over them. I knew their energy was growing in to the trees and flowers that surrounded the area. Now when I look up in to the trees it is if they are embracing life around them. Watching Syd and Romeo graze underneath the branches on the sweet grass that grew from the energy of my lost ones gave me hope that life is continuing on spiritually even if physically they are no longer here to keep me company.
I was just starting to feel like I was moving forward when once again, my rug was pulled. My ex husband stopped by my work Saturday morning. My client was under the dryer so I sat outside on the step of the salon and chatted with my ex for about 15 minutes. It was a pleasant talk. I was worried that I hadn't heard from him from for a while. He assured me he had just been busy. Before he left he gave me a kiss and said we were, "always good." I took that to mean we were friends and always would be. Considering how much hell we both put each other through with constant break ups and make ups over the years, I was happy that we have found a comfortable place to be friendly with each other.I finally came to that understanding when my ex told me it wasn't that he didn't love me,it was that he could never be married. It just wasn't for him. Unfortunately,I always did want that commitment. We finally parted romantically knowing that marriage was not for him. Ever.
After my marriage ended I dated several men seriously. All were long term relationships. Most were nice. None were men I wanted to marry. I wanted to be married but somehow knew these weren't the ones.
Then I met Shoe-Man. He was a farrier, owned horses seemed to share the same spiritual beliefs I did. In the beginning he seemed to really be a partner who I would share the rest of my life with. We were together for over 7 years. Slowly I began to realize that when the beginnings of love wore off, he didn't really share my visions. Finally one day it hit me. No matter how much he proclaims to love me he will never marry me. He didn't come right out and say it but after 7 years you get it. There were a lot more dynamics that were going on but it was definitely one of the reasons I knew we were over. I figured he never wanted to get married. To anyone. Nothing personal, just his bag.At that point I believed I carried the same bag.
Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
Within a month of our breakup he was involved with a married woman. She divorced her husband and the two of them along with her three children got married the next year. No grass growing under his feet.
After Shoe-Man I met Prick. Although he proclaimed to have the same visions of life it became obvious fairly quickly that it was bullshit. The problem was this man was the complete opposite. He not only wanted to marry me but wouldn't take no for an answer.He wouldn't take no for an answer in anything. I was left powerless to cope with this type of abuse. After having no commitment in my past relationships I thought that maybe this is what commitment was supposed to be like. He went as far as proposing to me in front of my entire family,knowing I wouldn't refuse him and embarrass myself. I felt bullied in to wearing a huge diamond that I thought all those years I wanted.I felt like love abandoned me and left me with a cubic zirconia version representing what I thought I wanted. I blogged enough about him. We all know how that mistake ended and I was never so happy to stop wearing a diamond.
Charlotte : You're engaged!
Carrie : I threw up. I saw the ring and I threw up. That can't be normal.
Samantha : That's my reaction to marriage.
~Sex and the City
I confess,it made my day to have the ex husband stop by and say hello. One of the topics we briefly discussed was Prick's stalking me online. It was my ex husband who gave me advice on how to stay private,especially on MySpace. I was surprised. He never struck me as someone who would be on a computer,let alone MySpace. "Who isn't?" was his reply when I questioned him. It then occurred to me that this man is the president of a motorcycle rights group and most likely uses the web to get info out there and to network new members.
When I got home from work on Saturday I punched in his email on the MySpace search expecting to find a page about his motorcycle group and their charity work or functions. What turned up left me speechless. It was a page dedicated to he and his obviously young bride. It was one of those squishy romantic pages that usually 20-somethings post. The worst part was, it was his email that turned the page up and it seemed from the postings it was his words that filled it.
Not once, in that fifteen minutes, did he mention 'we' or 'us' let alone,"hey I am married."
I wanted to throw up.
Once again, I had that "When Harry Met Sally" moment. Or, the "Sex and the City" moment when Carrie realizes Big married his girlfriend after his break up with Carrie.
I could know that lamenting of the fact that it is not that these men never wanted to be married. They just didn't want to be married to me.
The truth is,I am not sure if I ever want to be married.I often think Shoe Man just started to live life without me because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. The feelings I had for my husband are so long gone. Prick managed to erase any hope or trust that love like that is possible. This latest indiscretion just proved that honesty is just not something men in my life value. What the hell does that say about me?
Crap. I have no idea where this blog is going and I have no idea what the Higher Powers are trying to tell me. Besides the fact that I am apparently not the marrying kind who is in agony over losing her horse and cat.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
Quotes from: When Harry Met Sally
This was supposed to be a healing day. Actually as crappy as I am feeling right now, it probably still was one. As typical of myself, I hate change and I hate the rug being pulled out from under me. If there is healing, I am fighting it and feeling miserable while it is processing.
These past few weeks have been rough. Between Prick's petty vandalism to my home and car, to his bizarre postings online and the approaching date of my birthday and our supposed engagement anniversary, I have felt on edge.
Spring is a time of constant equine functions,whether I am attending horse shows, riding or stepping up my massage business. This is the first year I have noticed a decline in work and in attendance at the horse shows. This,along with the fact that I miss Gwen so much has left me crying at the drop of a hat. Losing Sweet Pea while I was already in a state of despair was the icing on the cake. So I thought.
I was just starting to get back in the saddle emotionally. I was spending a lot of time with Sydney and Romeo. I would spread a blanket on the hill next to the pond that is in the middle of the pasture. I would then lie back and meditate, letting my brain go loose with whatever it needed to do. After a week of depression and anxiety I finally started to feel like "me" again. I was more in tune with my surroundings and began to feel the healing energy of everything around me. I took comfort in seeing both Gwen and Sweet Pea's graves having a fresh carpet of green grass growing over them. I knew their energy was growing in to the trees and flowers that surrounded the area. Now when I look up in to the trees it is if they are embracing life around them. Watching Syd and Romeo graze underneath the branches on the sweet grass that grew from the energy of my lost ones gave me hope that life is continuing on spiritually even if physically they are no longer here to keep me company.
I was just starting to feel like I was moving forward when once again, my rug was pulled. My ex husband stopped by my work Saturday morning. My client was under the dryer so I sat outside on the step of the salon and chatted with my ex for about 15 minutes. It was a pleasant talk. I was worried that I hadn't heard from him from for a while. He assured me he had just been busy. Before he left he gave me a kiss and said we were, "always good." I took that to mean we were friends and always would be. Considering how much hell we both put each other through with constant break ups and make ups over the years, I was happy that we have found a comfortable place to be friendly with each other.I finally came to that understanding when my ex told me it wasn't that he didn't love me,it was that he could never be married. It just wasn't for him. Unfortunately,I always did want that commitment. We finally parted romantically knowing that marriage was not for him. Ever.
After my marriage ended I dated several men seriously. All were long term relationships. Most were nice. None were men I wanted to marry. I wanted to be married but somehow knew these weren't the ones.
Then I met Shoe-Man. He was a farrier, owned horses seemed to share the same spiritual beliefs I did. In the beginning he seemed to really be a partner who I would share the rest of my life with. We were together for over 7 years. Slowly I began to realize that when the beginnings of love wore off, he didn't really share my visions. Finally one day it hit me. No matter how much he proclaims to love me he will never marry me. He didn't come right out and say it but after 7 years you get it. There were a lot more dynamics that were going on but it was definitely one of the reasons I knew we were over. I figured he never wanted to get married. To anyone. Nothing personal, just his bag.At that point I believed I carried the same bag.
Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
Within a month of our breakup he was involved with a married woman. She divorced her husband and the two of them along with her three children got married the next year. No grass growing under his feet.
After Shoe-Man I met Prick. Although he proclaimed to have the same visions of life it became obvious fairly quickly that it was bullshit. The problem was this man was the complete opposite. He not only wanted to marry me but wouldn't take no for an answer.He wouldn't take no for an answer in anything. I was left powerless to cope with this type of abuse. After having no commitment in my past relationships I thought that maybe this is what commitment was supposed to be like. He went as far as proposing to me in front of my entire family,knowing I wouldn't refuse him and embarrass myself. I felt bullied in to wearing a huge diamond that I thought all those years I wanted.I felt like love abandoned me and left me with a cubic zirconia version representing what I thought I wanted. I blogged enough about him. We all know how that mistake ended and I was never so happy to stop wearing a diamond.
Charlotte : You're engaged!
Carrie : I threw up. I saw the ring and I threw up. That can't be normal.
Samantha : That's my reaction to marriage.
~Sex and the City
I confess,it made my day to have the ex husband stop by and say hello. One of the topics we briefly discussed was Prick's stalking me online. It was my ex husband who gave me advice on how to stay private,especially on MySpace. I was surprised. He never struck me as someone who would be on a computer,let alone MySpace. "Who isn't?" was his reply when I questioned him. It then occurred to me that this man is the president of a motorcycle rights group and most likely uses the web to get info out there and to network new members.
When I got home from work on Saturday I punched in his email on the MySpace search expecting to find a page about his motorcycle group and their charity work or functions. What turned up left me speechless. It was a page dedicated to he and his obviously young bride. It was one of those squishy romantic pages that usually 20-somethings post. The worst part was, it was his email that turned the page up and it seemed from the postings it was his words that filled it.
Not once, in that fifteen minutes, did he mention 'we' or 'us' let alone,"hey I am married."
I wanted to throw up.
Once again, I had that "When Harry Met Sally" moment. Or, the "Sex and the City" moment when Carrie realizes Big married his girlfriend after his break up with Carrie.
I could know that lamenting of the fact that it is not that these men never wanted to be married. They just didn't want to be married to me.
The truth is,I am not sure if I ever want to be married.I often think Shoe Man just started to live life without me because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. The feelings I had for my husband are so long gone. Prick managed to erase any hope or trust that love like that is possible. This latest indiscretion just proved that honesty is just not something men in my life value. What the hell does that say about me?
Crap. I have no idea where this blog is going and I have no idea what the Higher Powers are trying to tell me. Besides the fact that I am apparently not the marrying kind who is in agony over losing her horse and cat.
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