My Oh My


What on earth is going on in my heart?
Has it turned as cold as stone?
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart?*

Anniversaries. Those days that landmark something or another. For myself, August 1st is going in to it's 3rd year of anniversary hell. It should actually be a faded memory of the final assault Prick inflicted that night. No need to go back there, right? Apparently, Prick continues in his quest to try.
Just as it did two years ago, July seems to be the month his rage begins to eat away inside him. The stalking began and my world froze again.

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my*

I wish it didn't happen again, but there it is. Another implosion within my family. When my father sat crying in his Lazy Boy chair, crying that his greatest fear was that he would have nothing but grief to leave to his children, I think I did all the right things. I assured him I would try and help him the best I could. I gave him cash to help pay for whatever mess his finances were becoming because of other family members. I spent an hour cleaning up dog shit all over the house. I took the dog for a walk and assured her that I would never abandon her. I held my dad's hand while he sat helplessly in his chair with tears running down his face. While he was crying I sat and stared down at my shoes. It wasn't until that moment I saw how swollen my ankles were from a busy week at the salon. Crap. I wondered if my feet would fit in to my barn boots and if I would have time to ride tonight?
I finally got in to my car and drove home. It was a half hour later and half way there, that I realized I didn't even have the radio on.
Aaaaah, here it comes again. I am truly numb. No tears. No panic. Nothing.

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure*

The next day I packed everything I could think of. Clothes, makeup, shoes...gotta have my shoes. I was wearing towering platform Beverly Feldman shoes as I walked back and forth between my car and the parking lot of my development. It's a far walk, especially in 5" heels. It never occurred to me that this was a possibly dangerous thing to try and do. It was on my last trip back to my house that my neighbor stopped me with, "how the hell do you walk in those things?"
I looked down at my feet and saw blood coming from my pinkie toe. A beyond-blister mishap. It wasn't until that moment I felt it.
"I'm OK." I know that what I am really saying is~ I am OK because it is better to look good on the outside than to feel what is going on the inside.

It was two years ago this strange odyssey of my life began. My friends have stood by me through thick and thin. Even when I am shutting down they know when to bring me back to reality. After the initial assault I was numb. I was moving but had no idea how. It lasted for months. I hate that I have spiraled back down in to that well, drowning in cold numbness to whatever it is that is drowning me.

I finished packing my car and drove to my friends to hide from Prick who was once again on the prowl and ready to try and knock me off my fabulous shoes. My neighbors would care for the cats and rabbits. I told them I was taking a weekend vacation.


My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end*


When I went to court to have the PFA drawn, Prick had hired himself a lawyer. The man had obviously no idea of what legalities were entailed at a PFA hearing. My lawyer was patient in talking him through it. My best friend sat and held my hand as I tried to make as little eye contact where Prick sat down the hall, waiting. As his lawyer walked away my attorney and my friend began laughing. I sat there baffled until they both sputtered out, "where did he find that guy? What is up with those shoes?" I leaned forward and watched the man as he walked away. He was wearing two completely different shoes. I laughed for the first time in weeks. It was a genuine one,too.

My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free*


I have never valued my time with Veritas more. It is the one time in my life that being numb doesn't work. If I don't pay attention or start to tune out, he just stops. My Light is his gas. For the millionth time in my life I ponder why that doesn't work for humans? By the time we leave the farm and cross over to the fields, the internal fog seems to lift. From his back I can see the wind wash over the grass, making it move like a green ocean. I see hawks glide silently across the sky and giant thunderheads form in the distance. Like those clouds, I want to feel that there is a powerful storm brewing in myself. It is just far away and waiting to come pouring down. For now, they just float silently, within sight, but not quite ready to release.

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough*


"Are you OK?"

I realized the death grip I had on my best friend's hand. She had come with me to court yesterday, just as she had two years ago.
I looked down at her hand in mine and saw that is so tiny in comparison to mine. I'm sure I was accidentally crushing it as the elevator in the courthouse opened on to our floor.
Without me even asking, she peeked down the hall and assured me Prick was not waiting outside the courtroom. I asked her who was? As she described them to me I knew that it was the detective and Prick's probation officer.

"They look like two nice guys sitting there... and Nessie,good news... their shoes match."

We both collapsed back against the wall in giggles. It took me a minute but we managed to compose ourselves and walked down the hall.

"Are you OK?"

This time the question was from Prick's probation officer. I looked down and saw my hands were shaking. I stole another glance down to his shoes. A perfect matching pair. I said a silent prayer of thanks and couldn't help but smile.

I knew I would be just fine.

It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my it just don't stop



* Lyrics~
My Oh My, David Gray


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