Songs Of Peace

I will join the march here at Blogger. Lamenting how this month has been overwhelming. I still write every day. Even if it is handwritten in a journal I constantly write things down. Lyrics to a song that resonate somehow or a funny commercial or blurb from a movie or TV show. The brain never stops. Just my motivation to form it in to something worth writing about. December is a hard month. I know it is for so many. I watched an episode of M*A*S*H last night, where BJ tried in vain to save a soldier from dying before midnight, December 25th. He didn't want his family to always think of Christmas day as the day their daddy died. All I could think was, it didn't matter what day it was. Christmas is an entire season,dude. Kids will think of their dad the moment they walk in to WalMart and see Christmas trees in fucking September. My now ex husband and I separated two weeks before Christmas. I finally threw him out when he showed up at a Christmas party that I was attending, slopp

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. ~William Penn A funny thing about our Higher Selves. Sometimes, they need to physically give us a swift kick in our spiritual ass to see what is good for us. Somehow, I managed to end up with pneumonia. I was actually shocked when I was told this by my doctor. I went to her office solely to renew prescriptions. I did complain I was feeling more tense than usual but blamed it on too much work and not enough daylight. Stupid me, I thought she would just up my Prozac or write another prescription for Xanax. After listening to my lungs she ordered an x-ray and blood work. Both confirmed that my lungs were screaming. Now that I have been forced in to bed rest, I have had enough time and solitude to see what I was doing for the past several months. I was working and staying out of the house in fear of being depressed. The funny thing is, now that I have been home alone for t

There's Got to be a Morning After I had originally wrote this draft in August of 2008 but never posted it. So often things are too painful at the time for me to actually hit the post button. I am glad I write. It really helps a year and a half later for me to see how far I have come since writing this. Tonight is the interview with Rihanna about her assault from Chris Brown. The excerpts I have seen so far have brought up some of these memories. So, I am choosing to just post this without editing it. Sometimes it is better to see it the way it was the first time around. Once again, it is more telling that there is a huge gap since my last entry. Usually, when I am on vacation, I'll write like a crazy woman. This is the first of anything besides an email or two. I haven't even written much in my journal. Most entries start with the word exhausted. I had written before about the little house here in Ship Bottom that I am renting for the week. It is the same house that I had r

I have to start out this blog by telling my emailers that I loved your responses to the sexting blog. I literally was laughing out loud at some of your own booty call stories...or lack of...lol. It is a strange world out there and it doesn't seem to fade any with age. I wonder if I will be one of those creaky old ladies in the nursing home who is still trying to figure out what some 45 year old man wants from me? I'm sure it still won't be for my money. I am also pretty certain that I will still be bitching about the same old games people play, only now with wheelchairs and oxygen. The past month was a blur of parties, dinners, horse events and even a Flyers hockey game that included a day of tailgating with crazy Phillies fans beforehand. To say this month was a blast would be an understatement. In between great fun with my friends, who I adore, I found myself back in a funk. I am fine if I am out of my house but as soon as night falls and I am alone at home, the black clo

Halloween is fast approaching. Another one of those hellidays from my childhood. I know it would be shocking to my readers that Evanesco was quite shy as a wee wizard. Back then, I was wishing the vanishing spell on myself. I obviously got over it. Truthfully, if I am in a social situation with strangers it takes a while for me to warm up. But, among friends or people I like, it can be non-stop chatter...almost entirely on my part. So, this newest form of communication sometimes has me surprizingly baffled. Texting. I am guilty as charged in this department. I found that it is a fun and easy way throughout my busy day to touch base with friends or loved ones to let them know I'm thinking of them. I don't have many that I text with. Just a select few who either "get" my texts or I cannot freely telephone and actually converse. My fellow single, co-workers are younger than I. They mainly communicate via the texting. One, who is closer to my age,shares my view of texting

"Maybe this is my answer of what I should do?" I had actually posed this more of a statement than a question. Shoe Man and I went to dinner after he trimmed Sydney and Romeo's feet. Once again, I have found myself in a quandry and unable to come to peace with the decision I would make. Things have been coasting along. I can't say for certain what I am feeling. An undercurrent of unease would probably sum it up best. I can't quite put a finger on it but I sense there is some implosion waiting in the wings. I just sit back and wait to see how hard it comes crashing down.I never really feel at peace knowing that whatever Prick-free time I have is only temporary. In the meantime, I keep riding Veritas as much as possible and my equine massage business has exploded. I am actually turning horses away because I don't have enough time to get them all in. I have recently encountered working with a vet from New Bolton who has given me referals all over Chester County. M

Some of us are lucky to have tough love friends. I actually have a two and they also happen to be married to each other. When Dru's husband called a month ago telling me that they bought my airline ticket and I had to go to Florida with them I am sure my outside friends would think I have incredibly nice friends. While it is true they are incredibly nice and they are very good friends, the ulterior motive was to get me away from what they knew was brewing in to a bad situation. I have spent the past two years of my life numb. I have had my moments of crying and laughing and a steady hum of some form of contentment but when it came to the romance side of life~nothing. Recently, I have found myself spiraling right back in to that pattern. The sad part is that when this happens, I am too numb to see it. Most of my friends buy my crap lines of inner peace and I am happy. Dru, and her husband, are not those friends. "You know this will only come back to bite you down the line.&qu

I have been blogging since 2005. It is funny to see how prolifically I wrote at TV.com. Non-stop, almost daily, blog chatter about television and what is going on in the world. I still maintain a couple other blogs elsewhere, but they are strictly equine oriented or less "heavy" like the blogs I write here. I have kept my one guide at TV.com but finally walked away from blogging at CNET entirely when Prick's girlfriend started stalking online for him, while he was in jail. It was the proverbial last fucking straw. I didn't come here to write heavy blogs. I came here to hide from Prick. He had invaded every other blog site that I posted under my original screen name, Kimba. It actually took me a long time to start writing under the name Evanesco. I chose a new name that was a vanishing spell from the Harry Potter series. It seemed to fit what I was feeling when I finally had to leave Kimba behind. Anyway, I did not come here planning to become some champion of domes

"So, dude. Whassup w' da hair?" This question was posed to me on Sunday afternoon from my long time friend,Skinny.He was trying to hold back my hair and made the mistake of doing so from the scalp. "They are extensions..." I mumbled, as I proceeded to hurl again over his deck. "I don't like them," was all he muttered back and he patiently held the fake hair out of vomits way. I know how to really make an impression with my friends. Somehow six years had gone by and Skinny's McMansion was ignored by his friends. It's not that we didn't like his wife. She always seemed friendly to us...at least to our face. It just seemed as their ten year marriage went on, his wife became a less frequent visitor to our events and Skinny was usually stag. Their lives became so seperate that he took to asking me to go to events with him such as friends weddings or Christmas parties. The sad part? I was also in the same kind of relationship. Now t

There is a constant of songs in my head. It's why my blog is what it is. When life is handing me it's daily adventure I begin to hear the hum of a tune in my head to accompany the story. Sometimes a song gets stuck. Like the old vinyl days when the record skips in a groove. You hear the same line over and over. I had a brief reprieve of numbness after the hearing. A glimmer that life is still on a smooth groove. Unfortunately the scratches are there in between this LP of life. Little pops and clicks with the occasional full scratch that catches the tune in an endless repetition of a line in a song. What kind of world is this we're living in if you can never win? * That was two blogs ago, that David Gray song. Usually, if I write out whatever song is stuck in my head, it will move itself along. This one got stuck in the groove on that line. Here I am, several blogs later, stuck in a groove. I'm sure it is just the timing of everything that has thrown me full ti

At least The Sandman came at all. After yesterday's court hearing my best friend and I had lunch. We had a drink on top of the ativan my boss had given me the night before. I came home and finally slept for four hours straight. I think that was the first solid sleep in awhile. Prick made it easy for me and plead guilty. He usually does which makes me think in the back of my mind he really does want to stay in jail. I can't stand more than one rainy day inside the house, so jail is beyond my comprehension. Of course the one thing I have come to learn through the years that no matter what the outside location, it is in your own mind where freedom matters the most. Romeo has taken a turn for the worst. The poor old guy has had a rough time with all of the rain. His weakened hoof walls had began to crumble with all of the torrential rains and mud. He developed another abcess a couple weeks ago. Shoe-Man came and drained it and packed the crevice with sugardine. I walked him back

My week long vacation is winding it's way down. Normally this is the week I always rent a beach house in Long Beach Island. For the first time in years I didn't rent a place. I don't know how the summer flew past me so quickly. Now that I have had time to sit back and actually begin to breathe again I can see I stopped breathing the moment Prick got out of jail. I think in the back of my mind I knew that it would be the same this summer as it was the past two. Police reports and court dates. Now that the week is coming to a close I can reflect that this was probably the best thing to do. I spent the week cleaning out my closets, riding Veritas, writing and I even read three books in a row. I also started to transfer old blogs that I have written in other sites over to here. I saw friends just about every day. My fear of continually spiraling in to a depression if I am not working 7 days a week have proven to be wrong. I can honestly say I have not thought much about the pas

What on earth is going on in my heart? Has it turned as cold as stone? Seems these days I don't feel anything Less it cuts me right down to the bone What on earth is going on in my heart?* Anniversaries. Those days that landmark something or another. For myself, August 1st is going in to it's 3rd year of anniversary hell. It should actually be a faded memory of the final assault Prick inflicted that night. No need to go back there, right? Apparently, Prick continues in his quest to try. Just as it did two years ago, July seems to be the month his rage begins to eat away inside him. The stalking began and my world froze again. My oh my you know it just don't stop It's in my mind I wanna tear it up I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off But it's not enough It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love my friend To keep your heart from freezing To push on till the end My oh my* I wish it didn't happen again, but there it is. Another implosion within m

I was informed that I am woefully behind in my blogging. I have had a case of the spring fever. It keeps me outside for most of the day when I am not working and I collapse in to bed at night with a head full of pollen. I actually have written a lot. I am either writing in a journal by hand or I have several unfinished drafts that I never bothered to complete. My Gemini self has reared it's head. I tend to start things and not finish. *sigh* Let's see how far I get today... The one good thing is work at the salon has been the busiest ever. There may be a recession but for us we have been raking in more cash than ever. My theory is this: people are stressed about their jobs, therefore, want to look good. It's the American way. It's not how you feel but how you look that is important. 24 years of cutting hair made me come to that conclusion. The other factor is that the over-priced salons in Center City and The Main Line. Clients won't stop getting their hair done bu

Big gaps of nothing. I'm not sure why I lose the blog mojo from time to time. Probably it is because blogs are my bitching place. That safe haven to spew to virtual strangers and fellow blogsters. It prevents me from picking up the phone and crying my eyes out to family and friends. The past month I really had nothing to bitch about. Spring has sprung, the horses are shedding out the last of their winter fuzz and my social life took a turn for the better. Better weather means better riding weather. My equine clients have returned from the southern show circuit and I am back to riding a lot. Veritas is starting to lean out and gain muscle. Life is good. The winding down of Prick's sentence is looming over me. I received a call from the adult probation that his release date is May 10th. My first initial reaction was fear that is the same weekend as Winterthur's Point to Point race. It isn't. I'm not sure why it would matter. Like my best friend said,"there

I am dreadfully behind in everything. I have a stack of half read books next to my bed and a slew of half written blogs that I have never bothered to complete. I guess that is where my brain is right now. Half full. Today is St. Patrick's Day. Normal people just think it is no big deal. That is, unless you live in the surrounding suburbs of a North East city of the USA. Since last Saturday a school bus pulls up daily to the pubs across the street from my shop. A sea of green attired drunks pour out and take part of a bar crawl known as the Erin Express. Today will be no exception. It amazes me how many people I know from my home town will take vacation days today and tomorrow to partake in this event. I don't have a speck o' Irish in me so I guess that's why this Canadian just doesn't get it. I am even behind in my training with Veritas. The weather has been erratic and rainy. I feel the next onslaught of depression looming over me. I need sun and warmth to get it&#

I decided it was the perfect opportunity for a covert operation. Snow. A lot of snow. We got dumped with a nor'easter. By 7 am we were in a lull. I was supposed to have an appointment with my neurologist this morning but the cancellation came while I was clearing the 4 inches of snow off my car. This was a dry, powdery snow. The forecast was predicting the second half of the storm to hit my area by 9am.I had at least two hours to out on the road before the predicted white-out conditions would hit. It's been coming for awhile. I usually am forced to wait until the weather breaks in the spring to perform this dreaded task. Washing the horses blanket liners. After months of being encased in their waterproofed coverings, the inside liners get incredibly stinky and full of hair. The spring shedding out of hair actually starts in mid February. Every time I remove Syd and Romeo's liner a small foal-sized clump of hair seems to come with the liner. I checked my watch and looked up

It's funny how the perception of time shifts day to day. Sometimes I feel like my life is in slow moving turtle speed and then other times I can look at a calendar and think, "how did I get three months behind?" It began when Shoe-Man called and asked if we could meet for lunch. Shoe-Man is the nicer of my ex boyfriends. We have worked hard to stay nice in our split. His current wife doesn't seem to appreciate this so I was rather shocked he wanted to meet. "We need to talk." Oh crap. I hate that statement. It never bodes well when someone says they need to talk. I asked him why we couldn't just talk while he was trimming Syd and Romeo's feet? "What the fuck Nessie? Can't a man just buy you lunch without you finding a reason to run for the hills?" I was stunned. First because Shoe-Man is one of the more patient men in my life and second...well, he is right.I hate that. It is my self preservation that screams, "run for the hill