It's That Sinking Feeling, You Know What it's Bringing On
I am not writing anything that anyone would be shocked at reading. I have been depressed. Not just that simple, I have the blues, depressed. I mean, I'm drowning in a well and can't get out of it, depressed.
I know many people experience depression at some point in their life. For some, it may be a constant. For me, this is a new frontier. I spent most of December in a fog. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. I would take care of Romeo and Sydney while Veritas was virtually ignored. Part of it was the crazy weather we had, the other part was my co-worker of 23 years was out on maternity leave. I worked a lot of extra hours to accommodate her clients. I kept blaming stress or the extra work hours. Before I knew it, I found myself in that well, not even bothering to look up and see if I could get out. If you haven't figured it out from past blogs I am wound a little tight. I tend to have anxiety and over-emotional responses. Apathy and numbness is not something I am used to. When I falter I sink myself in to work or the horses. I get myself back in to the saddle both literally and figuratively. Part of being a hairdresser is faking it till you make it. I still managed to pull that off at work but as soon as I walked out that door the blackness enveloped me. It had gotten so bad that I didn't even care that I wasn't riding. On my days off, I would choose staying in my pajamas with an ignored book in my lap and staring out in to space. Dishes piled up, clothes sat next to the washer. I would wake each morning with a list of errands and things to do. Before I would know what happened, I would be back in bed or on the couch, fast asleep.
What really sealed it for me was when my coworker came back part time. After my boss discovered she was still doing some clients at home, on the side, he told her she either stopped or she would have to leave. She chose to leave. I was beyond stunned. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye these past 23 years, but we were a team. We looked out for each other professionally. She and I, both understood what it is like to be an aging hairdresser in a field that values looks and youth. I know she didn't leave me, but it felt that way. I cried for three days straight. I barely got out of bed last week except to go to work. It was the first time I didn't have people over for new year's eve. I drank myself stupid and cried at Dick Clark slurring in the new year. At least he has the excuse of recovering from a stroke. I just slurred happy new year to a bunch of fur. Oh, and I texted a friend in California. At 12am, I felt compelled to warn him of the impending doom that would land on his doorstep in a couple hours.
I don't know what clicked but I had finally decided enough was enough. This morning I awoke and decided no matter how tired I was, I had to get out. I dug out my winter britches and went to ride Veritas. I was in a haze while I brushed the dust off him. You could tell I hadn't been out in awhile. His tail had matted and he had scurf under his long,winter coat. It was while I was working on his forelock that it happened. Veritas was leaning his head flat up against my chest. I started to scratch the inside of his ears and he let out a huge sigh. I burst in to tears. I was just appalled at my month of self pity. How could I ignore the one thing that gives me so much joy, so unconditionally? Augh. Humans. We are just so stupid when it comes to our brains.
As I swung my foot up in to the stirrup I felt my heart starting to lighten. By the time I got out in to the open field I felt my head was clearer. Starlings were swarming along the tree line. I don't know if these birds are in other parts of the USA. Someone once told me they are not a natural species of the Americas but were brought here from Europe. What makes them fascinating is how, what seems like thousands of them, fly in strange formations.There is no way not feel cheered while watching these birds fly.
It hit me while I was staring up in to the sky while sitting on the back of a horse. I believe I could see the Light while I was looking from the bottom of the well.
Look at this, it's me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
every time I've dropped by, I've tried to say
the water is rising.
you don't want to stay.
It's that sinking feeling. you know what it's bringing on.
you might as well say it,
I see it, I feel it.
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON...
the track mall gang went off
on the Tennessee goth. a lunar moth,
you chrysalis and flail.
the water is rising. you try to rappel.
a rousing cheer for the boy in the well.
it's that sinking feeling. you know what it's bringing on.
you might as well say it,
I see it, I feel it.
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON...
here is where I look back.
here is where you fell.
this is where I got up,
shaking off my tail
this is where your rope trick
started to look stale.
a greyhound pass for the boy in the well.
it's that sinking feeling
you know what it's bringing on
I might as well say it.
I see it, I feel it
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMETHING THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON
I know many people experience depression at some point in their life. For some, it may be a constant. For me, this is a new frontier. I spent most of December in a fog. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. I would take care of Romeo and Sydney while Veritas was virtually ignored. Part of it was the crazy weather we had, the other part was my co-worker of 23 years was out on maternity leave. I worked a lot of extra hours to accommodate her clients. I kept blaming stress or the extra work hours. Before I knew it, I found myself in that well, not even bothering to look up and see if I could get out. If you haven't figured it out from past blogs I am wound a little tight. I tend to have anxiety and over-emotional responses. Apathy and numbness is not something I am used to. When I falter I sink myself in to work or the horses. I get myself back in to the saddle both literally and figuratively. Part of being a hairdresser is faking it till you make it. I still managed to pull that off at work but as soon as I walked out that door the blackness enveloped me. It had gotten so bad that I didn't even care that I wasn't riding. On my days off, I would choose staying in my pajamas with an ignored book in my lap and staring out in to space. Dishes piled up, clothes sat next to the washer. I would wake each morning with a list of errands and things to do. Before I would know what happened, I would be back in bed or on the couch, fast asleep.
What really sealed it for me was when my coworker came back part time. After my boss discovered she was still doing some clients at home, on the side, he told her she either stopped or she would have to leave. She chose to leave. I was beyond stunned. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye these past 23 years, but we were a team. We looked out for each other professionally. She and I, both understood what it is like to be an aging hairdresser in a field that values looks and youth. I know she didn't leave me, but it felt that way. I cried for three days straight. I barely got out of bed last week except to go to work. It was the first time I didn't have people over for new year's eve. I drank myself stupid and cried at Dick Clark slurring in the new year. At least he has the excuse of recovering from a stroke. I just slurred happy new year to a bunch of fur. Oh, and I texted a friend in California. At 12am, I felt compelled to warn him of the impending doom that would land on his doorstep in a couple hours.
I don't know what clicked but I had finally decided enough was enough. This morning I awoke and decided no matter how tired I was, I had to get out. I dug out my winter britches and went to ride Veritas. I was in a haze while I brushed the dust off him. You could tell I hadn't been out in awhile. His tail had matted and he had scurf under his long,winter coat. It was while I was working on his forelock that it happened. Veritas was leaning his head flat up against my chest. I started to scratch the inside of his ears and he let out a huge sigh. I burst in to tears. I was just appalled at my month of self pity. How could I ignore the one thing that gives me so much joy, so unconditionally? Augh. Humans. We are just so stupid when it comes to our brains.
As I swung my foot up in to the stirrup I felt my heart starting to lighten. By the time I got out in to the open field I felt my head was clearer. Starlings were swarming along the tree line. I don't know if these birds are in other parts of the USA. Someone once told me they are not a natural species of the Americas but were brought here from Europe. What makes them fascinating is how, what seems like thousands of them, fly in strange formations.There is no way not feel cheered while watching these birds fly.
It hit me while I was staring up in to the sky while sitting on the back of a horse. I believe I could see the Light while I was looking from the bottom of the well.
Look at this, it's me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
every time I've dropped by, I've tried to say
the water is rising.
you don't want to stay.
It's that sinking feeling. you know what it's bringing on.
you might as well say it,
I see it, I feel it.
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON...
the track mall gang went off
on the Tennessee goth. a lunar moth,
you chrysalis and flail.
the water is rising. you try to rappel.
a rousing cheer for the boy in the well.
it's that sinking feeling. you know what it's bringing on.
you might as well say it,
I see it, I feel it.
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON...
here is where I look back.
here is where you fell.
this is where I got up,
shaking off my tail
this is where your rope trick
started to look stale.
a greyhound pass for the boy in the well.
it's that sinking feeling
you know what it's bringing on
I might as well say it.
I see it, I feel it
this town is going wrong.
it's turning away.
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMEONE THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON
YOU WANTED ME TO BE SOMETHING THAT I COULD NEVER BE
MY NEW FRIENDS ARE OFFERING THINGS I'VE NEVER DREAMED
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
I'D LIKE FOR THEM TO TAKE ME ON
Comments
I usually find mine in a tub full of bubbles.
When you get into a depression like that, do you find difficult to even get up the energy to shower? I do!! Gross ... I know ... that's when I know I've pity partied too much though, when it's way past time to take a bath.
love ya!!!
Bathing? What's that? I took it to the max this time. I woke up on my sofa one afternoon with a bagel chip in my hair. I ate it.
I did finally soak in a bubble bath. I found myself humming Rubber Duckie so I guess that means I am on the up. :)