Songs Of Peace

I know I write this often. I don't want to go to work,today. I had a hands-on hair cutting class both Sunday and Monday. It was actually very good. The stylist who taught the class was from the Redken team and was a lot of fun.He looked just like Elvis Costello and was incredibly enthusiastic in a soft spoken way. I actually felt relaxed around him and longed to work in a salon enviroment with stylists like him. It did help make me feel revitalized as a hair stylist so it was worth losing a weekend for. But~ I am still grumpy that my weekend was shot as far as any riding in this picture perfect weather. I also had to have a stress test done yesterday.I had to laugh when my doctor told me I needed to get one after I was complaining of being short of breath and experiencing chest pain.I was blaming allergies. I need a test to tell me that I am stressed? C'mon now. I can tell you the answer to that. Anyhoo, in spite of my many jokes this past year,apparently my heart is not broken...

Another gap in the blogging. Life is coasting along. Some good,some bad. I just keep trying to focus on what I can control and release whatever I can't. Some days that is easier said than done. The weather has finally changed to feel more like fall. Temps in the mid 70s during the day and cooler at night. I actually put a blanket on my bed and woke this morning with my cat Kenni under the covers. She is such a ham. Nothing beats waking up with a giggle and Kenni managed to make me do just that. I decided to not ride this morning. I have no clean clothes for the rest of the week and my house has suffered from neglect with all of the nice weather keeping me at the barn. Of course I shouldn't be here at the computer, but... I received several emails from Prick's sister. I always loved her and she has been amazingly supportive towards me since the whole ordeal with her brother began. She shared with me that her father wrote a letter to the judge asking for a thorough mental hea...

Labor Day. The day that symbolizes the end of the season. In spite of the depression I had been feeling recently I finally managed to take one of my biggest steps forward in healing this year. It took me a couple weeks past the year mark of losing Gwen. The hardest part of this past year was the onset of panic attacks that come from nowhere. Even though I understood why I developed them after the assault, it didn't make it any easier that I had no way of predicting what would set them off. I could be in my car, standing in Target or the supermarket seemingly stress free and out of no where I felt like I would die in an instant. The worst for me were the ones I suffered in the barn or when I tried to ride again. I rode several clients or friends horses since I lost Gwen but I could not for the life of me get back out on the trail where there were open fields. I hyperventilated even thinking about it. I took to exercising their horses in the safety of the ring. I made excuses of time...

Aaaack. Summer is truly winding down quick. It was still dark when I woke up this morning and it was cool enough to need a sweat shirt. Both Romeo and Sydney have scratches on their legs. It comes from constant exposure to the dew on the grass. I have been trying to make a more concerted effort to brush them every day and to medicate their legs before I turn them out. After owning Syd for a year, I can finally admit that she is one bitchy mare. Every time I try and gently remove the scurf from her legs, she aims to give me a nose job with a well placed kick. I finally gave up this morning and I am ashamed to admit I threatened the glue factory if she kept up her attitude. The worst part? I think I really meant it. This is the time of year that I feel the weight of depression setting in. I guess I am a sun whore. I just can't get enough daylight. The waning days of summer give me a sense of dread that I can't shake off. I don't mind the cooler weather or the change of season...

Yesterday was the one year mark since I lost Gwen. I have owned several horses over the years but losing Gwen and her brother Merlin four years before her have been the hardest. Maybe because they both were relatively young. Both were 15 and died from colic. No doubt there was some genetic weakness there,though the vet claimed it was just a horrible coincidence. Often I feel that everything in my life seems like a horrible coincidence. Gene Shay, co-founder and host of the Philadelphia Folk Festival, defined folk music in an April 2003 interview by saying: "In the strictest sense, it's music that is rarely written for profit. It's music that has endured and been passed down by oral tradition. [...] Also, what distinguishes folk music is that it is participatory—you don't have to be a great musician to be a folk singer. [...] And finally, it brings a sense of community. It's the people's music." I went to the Philadelphia Folk Festival this weekend. The wea...

Complete writers block. I am on vacation with nothing to say. Not sure if that's good or bad. Every time I start to relax and have some fun something pulls the rug out from me. When will I learn to take all the F-ing rugs out of my head and embrace bare floors??? Maybe I need new shoes. When all else fails.... go watch a sunset.

I had originally wrote this draft in August of 2008 but never posted it. So often things are too painful at the time for me to actually hit the post button. I am glad I write. It really helps a year and a half later for me to see how far I have come since writing this. Tonight is the interview with Rihanna about her assault from Chris Brown. The excerpts I have seen so far have brought up some of these memories. So, I am choosing to just post this without editing it. Sometimes it is better to see it the way it was the first time around. Once again, it is more telling that there is a huge gap since my last entry. Usually, when I am on vacation, I'll write like a crazy woman. This is the first of anything besides an email or two. I haven't even written much in my journal. Most entries start with the word exhausted. I had written before about the little house here in Ship Bottom that I am renting for the week. It is the same house that I had rented for Prick and I, a year ago. I e...

It has been awhile. Sometimes it is more telling to see big gaps in my journals or blogs than it is to see what I have written. I think I am afraid that if I write it it is there permanently and I can then never have the luxury of forgetting it. Prick finally got himself busted for contacting me in spite of the restraining order. I am so grateful for the officer who took charge of the stalking issue. He really went all out to make sure I was informed and safe. The judge set bail ridiculously high, knowing full well there would be no way for him to post it. As of this posting he is still sitting in jail waiting for the hearing which is set for August first. Irony: that is the date he assaulted me last year. I would like to say I am breathing easier since Prick's arrest but honestly a new set of anxiety has stepped in. Thoughts of, "what if he is even more pissed?" to thoughts of how he will be even more careful not to get caught next time. I don't believe for one secon...

Morning has broken. As typical, the Sandman only spent two hours with me last night. I finally gave up at 4:15 when the birds started their morning chorus. Right now I can see the sky slowly starting to lighten and the moon is still bright. I have always been a morning person. No matter how late I fall asleep I automatically get up at the crack of dawn. The best time at the beach is watching the sun come up over the ocean or being at the farm and watching the sun come up over and through the trees. I am debating whether I want to try and ride early or go back to bed and ride tomorrow morning. It is incredibly humid out. I should ride before it gets too hot but I did drink last night. I probably will feel like crap if I start sweating it out on two hours sleep. For Veritas sake, I should go back to bed. Another reason? It is official. I do not bend as well as I used to. Veritas is ,how should I say this? Fat. Between his massive size breed-wise, added to the fact that he has had little ...

Tuesdays are my Mondays. Being a hairdresser means Saturday is a mandatory work day,therefore my weekend is Sunday and Monday. Now that I have that explanation presented I will now bitch that it is Tuesday. Even though I go in at 1:00 on Tuesdays, I hate the beginning of a work week. I am a little extra cranky this morning from lack of sleep. The Sandman has been running around on me and has been coming in to my bed late every night. Being the overly forgiving kind, I always embrace him in to my bed whenever he stumbles in sighing in gratitude that he showed up at all. Last night was one of those nights. I finally managed to drift off to sleep around 1AM when a banging at my door jolted me upright in a panic. As I stumbled down the stairs I heard a familiar sound from the other side of my steel door. It was the sound of a policeman's two-way radio. I opened the door to find two policeman and my neighbor standing there. I let them in and they began grilling me if I was alone,was I O...

As much as some things in life change there are so many others that remain a constant. Like my french coffee press. Every morning my routine is the same. I shuffle down the stairs, wading through cats and rabbits, heading right for the electric tea kettle to boil the water for the coffee press. While waiting I am still half dozing,shelling out disgusting canned meat by products to the cats. Once I have the coffee brewed and in my mug, I sit by the window and watch the squirrels eat the peanuts I tossed out for them while the cats sit around me, licking the leftover disgusting meat by products, off their whiskers. It hit me today that my french coffee press has been the center of my every day morning routine for 15 years. I love my press so much that it even goes with me on vacation. I cannot abide electric machine brewed coffee while I am in a residence. I don't know why it tastes OK to me if we are out in a restaurant or coffee house but at home~it has to be pressed. Part of the i...

I think it is fair to say that another birthday sucked. You would think that by age 29...oh,you caught that? OK, 39? *sigh* Whatever. You would think by my mature (?) age I would be over the birthday thing. Like most children of broken, alcoholic families my life has been filled with disappointments on any holiday. I can remember a Christmas day sitting alone watching cartoons until my father finally called and said I could open my presents. I called my best friend to come over so I could at least make fake squeaky noises of glee each time I opened a gift. I think I was 13 years old. My sister can attest the birthday deal. If we wanted a party we had to be the initiators. Neither parent seemed to remember what day our birthday was even though my sister's was a few days before my mothers and I was two days after my dad. I just thought that was how everyone spent holidays or birthdays. If you want to have fun you have to be the one to initiate it. Parents were rarely, if ever, a part...

Now that I slept off another migraine I need to get back to happier things. Like the beach. This past weekend the temperatures here in eastern Pennsylvania crept up to 99 degrees. Factor in the humidity and it was stifling. I decided that no matter how high the gas prices are rising the rising temps out ruled my eco-logic and I needed a day at the beach. I set off early at 7am. It was already feeling like a hot wet blanket with thick fog as I drove over the bridge in to New Jersey. By the time I hit Atlantic City the sun started to burn through the clouds. When I got off on the Long Beach Island exit the sun came out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. As I drove over the causeway I started to feel lighter. It is amazing how this is the one place that guarantees lifting me up no matter how dark my mood. First I went to a small coffee shop and got a cup of tea. I sat outside for a half hour with my laptop but found myself staring out at the end of the lane towards the beach. The se...

Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me. Harry: If you could take him back now, would you? Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me? Harry: Nothing. Sally: I'm difficult. Harry: You're challenging. Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off. Harry: But in a good way. Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty. Harry: When? Sally: Someday. Harry: In eight years. Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73. Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up. Quotes from: When Harry Met Sally This was supposed to be a healing day. Actually as crappy as I am feeling right now, it probably still...

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Gemini May 21 - June 20 Remember that you should always leave a loved one with loving words, dear Gemini. Each time you exit a room, think of that action as if you are never going to enter that room again. Perhaps you will never see those people again. Make sure you take care of the people you like. People may need an extra amount of attention today in order to feel appreciated and important to you. Cuddle up closely to the people who mean the most to you. This was my horoscope this morning. After a fast decline and in a matter of a few hours, my twenty year old fur-baby Sweet Pea, passed over the Rainbow Bridge. She was in my lap with me holding her when she passed. Thank you angels for answering that prayer. All I asked was that it be swift and that she be here at home with me. Once again, in spite of my internal agonizing pain, I know that the Higher Powers are always looking out for me. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad when you finally lose them. Shine on Little Pea. Baby Swee...

Just another morning. I actually feel hungover. Mind you,I didn't drink last night and I even got through an entire week without Xanax. I had finally talked with my best friend last night. The minute I picked up to answer the phone she knew from the sound in my voice. No matter how many jokes or protests that everything was fine, she knew I wasn't. Once I had started, I couldn't stop. Crying,that is. It was one of those hardcore,punched in the guts,type of cries. You know the kind. Where you find yourself hunching over in agony and you can't even speak because it hurts so bad. "I miss Gwen," I finally managed to sputter out. I know that there are some people who would think that such grief over losing a horse is strange. You don't marry them,have children with them and most don't depend on their income. Losing them certainly isn't comparable to losing a human,right? Yet,here I was. Almost a year later, sobbing because I have missed her so much. I n...

Everything about the weather is right. It is the perfect time of year. It gets light early in the morning and the daylight lasts until 9pm. The temperature has climbed into the 80s with no humidity and a soft breeze to make the day comfortable.All of the flowers and trees are in full bloom making the world look like heaven. It is my favorite time of year. Not only is the weather perfect it is also my favorite horse show month. It begins the first weekend in May with the Winterthur Steeple Chase Races and ends with my all around favorite,the Devon Horse Show. The Devon Horse Show is the one show that I have attended and worked in for the past couple decades. It is 15 minutes from where I reside which gives me the home advantage. What I really love about Devon is the variety of disciplines that compete throughout the week. Everything from Saddlebreds, driving competitions, hunter jumpers to sidesaddle. You name it, it's there. It is one of the rare equestrian events that draws horse ...

When we are children we learn the famous Richard Bach quote: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." For so many years now I have heard that mantra winding around my thoughts. Whenever I have a break up with a man, friends who have gone separate ways or just some dream I wanted in life that seemed to come and go. I'm not sure if I always buy in to this thought,but it winds around in there. It was at my friend Dru's animal rescue that I saw her for the first time. Dru has a a section of her barn that is called "The Puppy Palace." It is where new puppies come in and are put in to quarantine while they are being assessed for health issues. It is not always puppies who come in but any dog who seems like they may be infectious to the main kennel. I was helping Dru medicate the 35 or so pups when I saw a Jack Russell staring intently at me from one of the upper cages. "What's that one...

The oh,so elusive, Sandman. Seems no matter what lingerie,fun pajamas or lack of any clothing at all,seems to make me able to entice this man to sleep with me. Lack of sleep seems to be several factors. One of them is the fabulous weather we are having. I love spring in Pennsylvania. If it is not pouring rain then one can appreciate the change from winter's grey and brown to the colours of green grass, blossoming trees,daffodils, buttercups and violets galore. It never ceases to amaze me how each morning blooms into even more colours. I drive to the barn and down roads while fruit trees rain down pink and white flowers. It's hard not to thaw inside while the temperatures warm outside as well. Spring in Eastern Pennsylvania also brings the beginning of an age old tradition. Steeplechase races. Every weekend there is a race held among the many rolling hills and open countryside of my state. I actually don't know too much about this sport. I work with horses in so many other d...