Songs Of Peace

"Only you could top me, on the craziest ex-boyfriend scale." This statement came from my friend, Gail. After my latest mental breakdown she was the one friend I knew I could call and she would get it. She is never shocked by anything I tell her (and can often match me on this) and can find humor in the blackest of hours. Many of us joke about having a freak magnet. I am afraid that all joking aside, Prick, has proved that I really had one on full force, when I met him. One of the terrors I had experienced after he assaulted me, was clearing out his belongings that he started squirreling away in my home. It was one of the reasons I had confronted him that fateful night. I made it clear to him in the weeks before that I would not allow him to live with me as long as he was drinking and not working full time. He was failing miserably in both of those departments. I honestly was relieved because I wanted out even before this moment. I felt he was giving me more reasons to leav...

One of my favorite Charlie Brown isms. Good grief. Charles Schulz was the king of good grief. What was actually his own personal feelings of hopelessness, presented in a cartoon form, made him millions. Pure genius. I am currently convinced I have Black Lung disease after scraping what seems like the entire state of Pennsylvania's worth of mud off of the horses.The weather has turned unseasonable warm again and we have had more torrential rain. The reason I hate Pennsylvania's winters has resurfaced. Mud. Lots and lots of mud. Romeo has the typical old-horse, winter coat. It is long and slightly curled. A perfect catch-all for mud, small branches and bramble. He comes in every night looking like a bad B movie monster. He smells like one,too. The only way to describe what a dirty horse smells like is this: 1200 pounds of wet dog. Blech . Veritas , on the other hand, finds it beneath him to dirty his handsome self. When he goes out, he finds a less muddy spot and does a small...

Romeo and Sydney are finally out and enjoying their hay. It's been a long haul this time with Romeo. We had a couple more setbacks that included IV fluids and prayers. He (knock on wood) seems to be coming out of the woods. As for me... It had to happen eventually. Depression. Oh, I've had it from time to time. Those days you feel cranky or sad, wishing you could stay in bed, but you don't. This time is different. It is that big gaping hole of nothing that bothers me the most. I'm not mad or sad. Just nothing. I get up and do what I have to do, feeling nothing. I knew I was in trouble last week when I went to my mom's best friend's viewing. After crying the entire weekend after she had passed away, I finally flat lined again. Not one tear. Numb. Argh. We had more snow this Saturday. It was a dry powdery snow that lightly dusts glitter over everything. I took the opportunity of having a Saturday night free and went shopping. My family and friends have all agreed ...

The helliday is barreling down fast. For once I actually don't feel too stressed about it. Work is insanely busy but the extra money has made it worthwhile. I managed to pay off all of my credit cards and the rest went to the vet for Romeo's bill and extra hay that we needed while they were stall bound. Romeo really had a tough time last week. Although the stitches were healing well he developed laminitis in his front feet. This probably happened because he was rocking his weight forward and on to his front feet. On top of that, the massive doses of antibiotics started screwing with his whole system. He developed an abscess in his right front hoof. What makes it trickier is that it is located right beside his coffin bone. Horse people know that the adage, "no hoof, no horse" comes along the aptly named coffin bone. If this bone is compromised in any way it becomes a death sentence. Every morning I take his therapeutic wrap off and carefully clean and examine where th...

The sun has finally returned. After almost two weeks of clouds and rain I was beginning to feel mildewed as well as depressed. Romeo had a massive injury on Sunday. He came in for evening feed with a gaping wound and blood everywhere. He cut the back part of his upper pastern of his right hind leg. It took the vet an hour just to stitch him up. At one point the blood was spurting out like a bad cartoon. Luckily it was only skin and blood vessels. No tendons or ligaments. So, they are both stall bound for ten days and we are keeping our fingers crossed that there is no infection or tearing of the stitches. I spent all day yesterday driving around looking for pelleted horse bedding. Seems Canada is the main supplier and a lot of supply houses cut back when the gas prices were so high. Now there is a shortage. I really don't want to switch to shavings because they would stick to Romeo's bandage. I absolutely hate straw but I may have to break down and purchase some. It is so rid...

This is actually a blog I wrote in 2006 from another blog site. I'm just lazy. Have a happy Halloween! Are You Happy,Now? How can it be Halloween already? These past couple of months have really been flying. My past blogs where often more stories that usually centered around my ex and my new found single life. I often wonder if I lost my blog mojo by being a little less bitter. I am trying to think back to remember any sad Halloween incidents that would make good reading but alas,I have none. I was painfully shy as a kid so I do remember not wanting to trick or treat in neighborhoods where I didn't know who was answering the door. This kept my loot on the smaller scale compared to my more daring, older siblings. I also was the kind of kid who couldn't understand why I had to walk in the dark and cold night begging for candy when we had a huge bowl right here in our very own house. I have fond memories of all the prep at school which included pumpkin carving and making decor...

Life is coasting along. My only recent complaint has been the feeling that life is somehow stalled and going nowhere. The past year I have often found myself staring off in to space, wishing God would send me a sign that life is moving in some kind of positive direction. It's not that I am feeling bad per se. Just stuck in a bottomless sea, in an endless paddle and not getting anywhere. The endless feeling of numbness has taken over me again. I hate that feeling more than feeling pain or sorrow. It is just so empty. We have had heavy rains and high winds on Saturday. The good thing is it dropped the ragweed and other dust down. For the first time in weeks I made it through the day without wanting to rip my eyeballs out from the itching. The bad part was the rain washed out part of the flooring in the aisle at the barn. I walked in to check Sydney and Romeo after work on Saturday. The water was rushing down the aisle, in between the two stalls. Syd had her head over the stall door, ...

I am actually sleepy in a good way. I have finally kicked the crappy lung thing. I just spent the day sneezing from ragweed and crystal clear weather. When it is dry,clear and breezy outside, the ragweed seems to affect me the worst. I just took some Benedryl and I am feeling a good sleep coming. I know I need to knock off the last blog. I never want to be one of those deleters, but I do regret spewing so much anger. I'll leave it as a reminder that I am human and get pissed. Good friends,pets and equine loving got me back on track. Veritas has been getting stronger and more supple every day. I can really feel him rounding up and his back is much softer. What I love about him is his light mouth. I never have to keep a death grip on him and can trail ride him on the buckle. Love that! Best of all, is he now recognizes my car. He is usually by the gate waiting for me by the time I get a halter to lead him to the barn. At the risk of sounding like a dorky Sally Fields~ he likes me. H...

Well, not what I was expecting. After a delay yesterday because a file was misplaced, Prick was finally sentenced today. Six months consecutive of the four months he is serving now. Not only did no one from the DA's office call me this morning, we found out from a friend who works at the courthouse. She called my best friend to have her break the news to me. I was in the middle of a haircut when she called. I have no memory of finishing the cut. Later I called my friend back. She was trying to force me to see the positive. "His sentencing includes him being on Parole and he will have to report to a Domestic Violence PO Caseworker.It also specifies that it include a 16 week program for Domestic Violence and attending AA meetings every day for 90 days.So, it's all good. AA, everyday." I could hear that perky tone that makes me insane. We all know that tone. It's when someone knows something sucks but doesn't want you to know it. I hate to admit this. I freaked o...

I am finally starting to feel physically better after my bout of what felt like walking pneumonia. I have forced myself to sleep in this past couple weeks. I think my usual lack of sleep is what gets me in trouble both physically and mentally. Even though I have still been waking at my ridiculously early time, I get up and feed the cats and come back to bed to sleep another couple hours instead of racing to each barn to ride or clean stalls. I did ride Veritas for two hours yesterday. Since I had the whole day off I had plenty of time to be relaxed about it.One hour in the ring and an hour just ambling along the fields. The weather has turned warm again. 75 degrees and not a single cloud to be found in the sky. We had a brief cold snap that turned the leaves but it was brief enough that a lot of wildflowers are still holding on. With the help of the trainer I have been working Veritas with, we finally found a solution to my breathing (or lack of) problems while riding. It seems I don...

I did an amazing thing this morning. I actually slept in late. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who wakes up ridiculously early, whether they have to or not. It is one of the reasons I have so many sunrise photos while I am on vacation. Normally I am wide awake at 5:30 AM. This morning I slept in until 8:30. Since my encounter with the treadmill, I have been battling a case of bronchitis that just won't go away. I am certain I picked up germs while I sat in the waiting room where I went for blood work. People were hacking and wheezing all over the place. Note to self: in order to stay healthy, never visit a doctors office. I am so mad because the weather has been perfect for riding. I have been so tired that I come home every night from work and fall asleep almost immediately. I did have off work on Saturday. The town where my salon is located does a community day every year on the first Saturday of October. They close off the whole boulevard where we are located. My boss fi...

I know I write this often. I don't want to go to work,today. I had a hands-on hair cutting class both Sunday and Monday. It was actually very good. The stylist who taught the class was from the Redken team and was a lot of fun.He looked just like Elvis Costello and was incredibly enthusiastic in a soft spoken way. I actually felt relaxed around him and longed to work in a salon enviroment with stylists like him. It did help make me feel revitalized as a hair stylist so it was worth losing a weekend for. But~ I am still grumpy that my weekend was shot as far as any riding in this picture perfect weather. I also had to have a stress test done yesterday.I had to laugh when my doctor told me I needed to get one after I was complaining of being short of breath and experiencing chest pain.I was blaming allergies. I need a test to tell me that I am stressed? C'mon now. I can tell you the answer to that. Anyhoo, in spite of my many jokes this past year,apparently my heart is not broken...

Another gap in the blogging. Life is coasting along. Some good,some bad. I just keep trying to focus on what I can control and release whatever I can't. Some days that is easier said than done. The weather has finally changed to feel more like fall. Temps in the mid 70s during the day and cooler at night. I actually put a blanket on my bed and woke this morning with my cat Kenni under the covers. She is such a ham. Nothing beats waking up with a giggle and Kenni managed to make me do just that. I decided to not ride this morning. I have no clean clothes for the rest of the week and my house has suffered from neglect with all of the nice weather keeping me at the barn. Of course I shouldn't be here at the computer, but... I received several emails from Prick's sister. I always loved her and she has been amazingly supportive towards me since the whole ordeal with her brother began. She shared with me that her father wrote a letter to the judge asking for a thorough mental hea...

Labor Day. The day that symbolizes the end of the season. In spite of the depression I had been feeling recently I finally managed to take one of my biggest steps forward in healing this year. It took me a couple weeks past the year mark of losing Gwen. The hardest part of this past year was the onset of panic attacks that come from nowhere. Even though I understood why I developed them after the assault, it didn't make it any easier that I had no way of predicting what would set them off. I could be in my car, standing in Target or the supermarket seemingly stress free and out of no where I felt like I would die in an instant. The worst for me were the ones I suffered in the barn or when I tried to ride again. I rode several clients or friends horses since I lost Gwen but I could not for the life of me get back out on the trail where there were open fields. I hyperventilated even thinking about it. I took to exercising their horses in the safety of the ring. I made excuses of time...

Aaaack. Summer is truly winding down quick. It was still dark when I woke up this morning and it was cool enough to need a sweat shirt. Both Romeo and Sydney have scratches on their legs. It comes from constant exposure to the dew on the grass. I have been trying to make a more concerted effort to brush them every day and to medicate their legs before I turn them out. After owning Syd for a year, I can finally admit that she is one bitchy mare. Every time I try and gently remove the scurf from her legs, she aims to give me a nose job with a well placed kick. I finally gave up this morning and I am ashamed to admit I threatened the glue factory if she kept up her attitude. The worst part? I think I really meant it. This is the time of year that I feel the weight of depression setting in. I guess I am a sun whore. I just can't get enough daylight. The waning days of summer give me a sense of dread that I can't shake off. I don't mind the cooler weather or the change of season...

Yesterday was the one year mark since I lost Gwen. I have owned several horses over the years but losing Gwen and her brother Merlin four years before her have been the hardest. Maybe because they both were relatively young. Both were 15 and died from colic. No doubt there was some genetic weakness there,though the vet claimed it was just a horrible coincidence. Often I feel that everything in my life seems like a horrible coincidence. Gene Shay, co-founder and host of the Philadelphia Folk Festival, defined folk music in an April 2003 interview by saying: "In the strictest sense, it's music that is rarely written for profit. It's music that has endured and been passed down by oral tradition. [...] Also, what distinguishes folk music is that it is participatory—you don't have to be a great musician to be a folk singer. [...] And finally, it brings a sense of community. It's the people's music." I went to the Philadelphia Folk Festival this weekend. The wea...

Complete writers block. I am on vacation with nothing to say. Not sure if that's good or bad. Every time I start to relax and have some fun something pulls the rug out from me. When will I learn to take all the F-ing rugs out of my head and embrace bare floors??? Maybe I need new shoes. When all else fails.... go watch a sunset.

I had originally wrote this draft in August of 2008 but never posted it. So often things are too painful at the time for me to actually hit the post button. I am glad I write. It really helps a year and a half later for me to see how far I have come since writing this. Tonight is the interview with Rihanna about her assault from Chris Brown. The excerpts I have seen so far have brought up some of these memories. So, I am choosing to just post this without editing it. Sometimes it is better to see it the way it was the first time around. Once again, it is more telling that there is a huge gap since my last entry. Usually, when I am on vacation, I'll write like a crazy woman. This is the first of anything besides an email or two. I haven't even written much in my journal. Most entries start with the word exhausted. I had written before about the little house here in Ship Bottom that I am renting for the week. It is the same house that I had rented for Prick and I, a year ago. I e...

It has been awhile. Sometimes it is more telling to see big gaps in my journals or blogs than it is to see what I have written. I think I am afraid that if I write it it is there permanently and I can then never have the luxury of forgetting it. Prick finally got himself busted for contacting me in spite of the restraining order. I am so grateful for the officer who took charge of the stalking issue. He really went all out to make sure I was informed and safe. The judge set bail ridiculously high, knowing full well there would be no way for him to post it. As of this posting he is still sitting in jail waiting for the hearing which is set for August first. Irony: that is the date he assaulted me last year. I would like to say I am breathing easier since Prick's arrest but honestly a new set of anxiety has stepped in. Thoughts of, "what if he is even more pissed?" to thoughts of how he will be even more careful not to get caught next time. I don't believe for one secon...

Morning has broken. As typical, the Sandman only spent two hours with me last night. I finally gave up at 4:15 when the birds started their morning chorus. Right now I can see the sky slowly starting to lighten and the moon is still bright. I have always been a morning person. No matter how late I fall asleep I automatically get up at the crack of dawn. The best time at the beach is watching the sun come up over the ocean or being at the farm and watching the sun come up over and through the trees. I am debating whether I want to try and ride early or go back to bed and ride tomorrow morning. It is incredibly humid out. I should ride before it gets too hot but I did drink last night. I probably will feel like crap if I start sweating it out on two hours sleep. For Veritas sake, I should go back to bed. Another reason? It is official. I do not bend as well as I used to. Veritas is ,how should I say this? Fat. Between his massive size breed-wise, added to the fact that he has had little ...

Tuesdays are my Mondays. Being a hairdresser means Saturday is a mandatory work day,therefore my weekend is Sunday and Monday. Now that I have that explanation presented I will now bitch that it is Tuesday. Even though I go in at 1:00 on Tuesdays, I hate the beginning of a work week. I am a little extra cranky this morning from lack of sleep. The Sandman has been running around on me and has been coming in to my bed late every night. Being the overly forgiving kind, I always embrace him in to my bed whenever he stumbles in sighing in gratitude that he showed up at all. Last night was one of those nights. I finally managed to drift off to sleep around 1AM when a banging at my door jolted me upright in a panic. As I stumbled down the stairs I heard a familiar sound from the other side of my steel door. It was the sound of a policeman's two-way radio. I opened the door to find two policeman and my neighbor standing there. I let them in and they began grilling me if I was alone,was I O...

As much as some things in life change there are so many others that remain a constant. Like my french coffee press. Every morning my routine is the same. I shuffle down the stairs, wading through cats and rabbits, heading right for the electric tea kettle to boil the water for the coffee press. While waiting I am still half dozing,shelling out disgusting canned meat by products to the cats. Once I have the coffee brewed and in my mug, I sit by the window and watch the squirrels eat the peanuts I tossed out for them while the cats sit around me, licking the leftover disgusting meat by products, off their whiskers. It hit me today that my french coffee press has been the center of my every day morning routine for 15 years. I love my press so much that it even goes with me on vacation. I cannot abide electric machine brewed coffee while I am in a residence. I don't know why it tastes OK to me if we are out in a restaurant or coffee house but at home~it has to be pressed. Part of the i...

I think it is fair to say that another birthday sucked. You would think that by age 29...oh,you caught that? OK, 39? *sigh* Whatever. You would think by my mature (?) age I would be over the birthday thing. Like most children of broken, alcoholic families my life has been filled with disappointments on any holiday. I can remember a Christmas day sitting alone watching cartoons until my father finally called and said I could open my presents. I called my best friend to come over so I could at least make fake squeaky noises of glee each time I opened a gift. I think I was 13 years old. My sister can attest the birthday deal. If we wanted a party we had to be the initiators. Neither parent seemed to remember what day our birthday was even though my sister's was a few days before my mothers and I was two days after my dad. I just thought that was how everyone spent holidays or birthdays. If you want to have fun you have to be the one to initiate it. Parents were rarely, if ever, a part...

Now that I slept off another migraine I need to get back to happier things. Like the beach. This past weekend the temperatures here in eastern Pennsylvania crept up to 99 degrees. Factor in the humidity and it was stifling. I decided that no matter how high the gas prices are rising the rising temps out ruled my eco-logic and I needed a day at the beach. I set off early at 7am. It was already feeling like a hot wet blanket with thick fog as I drove over the bridge in to New Jersey. By the time I hit Atlantic City the sun started to burn through the clouds. When I got off on the Long Beach Island exit the sun came out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. As I drove over the causeway I started to feel lighter. It is amazing how this is the one place that guarantees lifting me up no matter how dark my mood. First I went to a small coffee shop and got a cup of tea. I sat outside for a half hour with my laptop but found myself staring out at the end of the lane towards the beach. The se...