Songs Of Peace

There is a constant of songs in my head. It's why my blog is what it is. When life is handing me it's daily adventure I begin to hear the hum of a tune in my head to accompany the story. Sometimes a song gets stuck. Like the old vinyl days when the record skips in a groove. You hear the same line over and over. I had a brief reprieve of numbness after the hearing. A glimmer that life is still on a smooth groove. Unfortunately the scratches are there in between this LP of life. Little pops and clicks with the occasional full scratch that catches the tune in an endless repetition of a line in a song. What kind of world is this we're living in if you can never win? * That was two blogs ago, that David Gray song. Usually, if I write out whatever song is stuck in my head, it will move itself along. This one got stuck in the groove on that line. Here I am, several blogs later, stuck in a groove. I'm sure it is just the timing of everything that has thrown me full ti...

At least The Sandman came at all. After yesterday's court hearing my best friend and I had lunch. We had a drink on top of the ativan my boss had given me the night before. I came home and finally slept for four hours straight. I think that was the first solid sleep in awhile. Prick made it easy for me and plead guilty. He usually does which makes me think in the back of my mind he really does want to stay in jail. I can't stand more than one rainy day inside the house, so jail is beyond my comprehension. Of course the one thing I have come to learn through the years that no matter what the outside location, it is in your own mind where freedom matters the most. Romeo has taken a turn for the worst. The poor old guy has had a rough time with all of the rain. His weakened hoof walls had began to crumble with all of the torrential rains and mud. He developed another abcess a couple weeks ago. Shoe-Man came and drained it and packed the crevice with sugardine. I walked him back ...

My week long vacation is winding it's way down. Normally this is the week I always rent a beach house in Long Beach Island. For the first time in years I didn't rent a place. I don't know how the summer flew past me so quickly. Now that I have had time to sit back and actually begin to breathe again I can see I stopped breathing the moment Prick got out of jail. I think in the back of my mind I knew that it would be the same this summer as it was the past two. Police reports and court dates. Now that the week is coming to a close I can reflect that this was probably the best thing to do. I spent the week cleaning out my closets, riding Veritas, writing and I even read three books in a row. I also started to transfer old blogs that I have written in other sites over to here. I saw friends just about every day. My fear of continually spiraling in to a depression if I am not working 7 days a week have proven to be wrong. I can honestly say I have not thought much about the pas...

What on earth is going on in my heart? Has it turned as cold as stone? Seems these days I don't feel anything Less it cuts me right down to the bone What on earth is going on in my heart?* Anniversaries. Those days that landmark something or another. For myself, August 1st is going in to it's 3rd year of anniversary hell. It should actually be a faded memory of the final assault Prick inflicted that night. No need to go back there, right? Apparently, Prick continues in his quest to try. Just as it did two years ago, July seems to be the month his rage begins to eat away inside him. The stalking began and my world froze again. My oh my you know it just don't stop It's in my mind I wanna tear it up I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off But it's not enough It takes a lotta love It takes a lotta love my friend To keep your heart from freezing To push on till the end My oh my* I wish it didn't happen again, but there it is. Another implosion within m...

I was informed that I am woefully behind in my blogging. I have had a case of the spring fever. It keeps me outside for most of the day when I am not working and I collapse in to bed at night with a head full of pollen. I actually have written a lot. I am either writing in a journal by hand or I have several unfinished drafts that I never bothered to complete. My Gemini self has reared it's head. I tend to start things and not finish. *sigh* Let's see how far I get today... The one good thing is work at the salon has been the busiest ever. There may be a recession but for us we have been raking in more cash than ever. My theory is this: people are stressed about their jobs, therefore, want to look good. It's the American way. It's not how you feel but how you look that is important. 24 years of cutting hair made me come to that conclusion. The other factor is that the over-priced salons in Center City and The Main Line. Clients won't stop getting their hair done bu...

Big gaps of nothing. I'm not sure why I lose the blog mojo from time to time. Probably it is because blogs are my bitching place. That safe haven to spew to virtual strangers and fellow blogsters. It prevents me from picking up the phone and crying my eyes out to family and friends. The past month I really had nothing to bitch about. Spring has sprung, the horses are shedding out the last of their winter fuzz and my social life took a turn for the better. Better weather means better riding weather. My equine clients have returned from the southern show circuit and I am back to riding a lot. Veritas is starting to lean out and gain muscle. Life is good. The winding down of Prick's sentence is looming over me. I received a call from the adult probation that his release date is May 10th. My first initial reaction was fear that is the same weekend as Winterthur's Point to Point race. It isn't. I'm not sure why it would matter. Like my best friend said,"there ...

I am dreadfully behind in everything. I have a stack of half read books next to my bed and a slew of half written blogs that I have never bothered to complete. I guess that is where my brain is right now. Half full. Today is St. Patrick's Day. Normal people just think it is no big deal. That is, unless you live in the surrounding suburbs of a North East city of the USA. Since last Saturday a school bus pulls up daily to the pubs across the street from my shop. A sea of green attired drunks pour out and take part of a bar crawl known as the Erin Express. Today will be no exception. It amazes me how many people I know from my home town will take vacation days today and tomorrow to partake in this event. I don't have a speck o' Irish in me so I guess that's why this Canadian just doesn't get it. I am even behind in my training with Veritas. The weather has been erratic and rainy. I feel the next onslaught of depression looming over me. I need sun and warmth to get it...

I decided it was the perfect opportunity for a covert operation. Snow. A lot of snow. We got dumped with a nor'easter. By 7 am we were in a lull. I was supposed to have an appointment with my neurologist this morning but the cancellation came while I was clearing the 4 inches of snow off my car. This was a dry, powdery snow. The forecast was predicting the second half of the storm to hit my area by 9am.I had at least two hours to out on the road before the predicted white-out conditions would hit. It's been coming for awhile. I usually am forced to wait until the weather breaks in the spring to perform this dreaded task. Washing the horses blanket liners. After months of being encased in their waterproofed coverings, the inside liners get incredibly stinky and full of hair. The spring shedding out of hair actually starts in mid February. Every time I remove Syd and Romeo's liner a small foal-sized clump of hair seems to come with the liner. I checked my watch and looked up ...

It's funny how the perception of time shifts day to day. Sometimes I feel like my life is in slow moving turtle speed and then other times I can look at a calendar and think, "how did I get three months behind?" It began when Shoe-Man called and asked if we could meet for lunch. Shoe-Man is the nicer of my ex boyfriends. We have worked hard to stay nice in our split. His current wife doesn't seem to appreciate this so I was rather shocked he wanted to meet. "We need to talk." Oh crap. I hate that statement. It never bodes well when someone says they need to talk. I asked him why we couldn't just talk while he was trimming Syd and Romeo's feet? "What the fuck Nessie? Can't a man just buy you lunch without you finding a reason to run for the hills?" I was stunned. First because Shoe-Man is one of the more patient men in my life and second...well, he is right.I hate that. It is my self preservation that screams, "run for the hill...

Snowy Sydney What Hell is this ? snow fence Creek behind the farm "Moby? Please tell me you are not that depressed!" It was a statement from the recent phone conversation I had with Ryan. "Noooo, Moby Grape ," I replied. Of course, the very young Ryan doesn't know who Moby Grape is. I recently added a couple tracks on my Sansa player to listen while riding Veritas. Ryan is always interested in what I am listening to. I personally know that what I listen to is a barometer for what my mood is. I don't know why it comes as a shock that someone else might figure that barometer out. Note to self: if you are denying depression~never mention Moby. Seriously, I am not listening to Moby or feel the least bit depressed. My fog has finally started to lift. I think the fact that I am once again swamped with equine clients on my weekends has my brain circulating again. When...

I am suddenly back in love with my home state. We had a glorious snow yesterday. Forecasters were calling for flurries and we ended up with over three inches. It was that fluffy,coat everything, kind of snow. Streets and sidewalks were easily cleared but the brown and grey mud was covered. This morning I watched the sun rise through the trees and turn everything in to diamonds. That is when I love the snow best. The snow actually sparkles in the sun and looks like the world is encased in glitter. I decided that Veritas just might feel the same way about snow as I do. I was right. I saddled him up this morning and took him out for a trail ride. He seemed just as enthralled as I was. There is absolutely nothing better than hacking out in unbroken snow with a horse. Against the white backdrop, you see birds fluttering in the bushes, deer dashing out from the trees, foxes scurrying ahead of you as if to race you to the next bend. The world takes on the muffled song that comes from Veri...

Snow. We have snow. Along with frozen pipes in the barn.The Snow Miser decided to pay my area of PA a visit. Winter is tough if you have a small, backyard horse set-up. No matter how much insulation we wrap around the pipes, they freeze when we hit the teen digits. Since Romeo is prone to colic, it is essential that he have plenty of water. This means several trips from the house to the barn lugging water buckets. I keep thinking there must be some solution. Every time I watch a football game and I see that big Gatorade container by the players bench, I think that would be easy enough to stick in a wheel barrow. Better than my aunt and I, juggling water buckets, trying not to slip on the ice and snow. Romeo seems happy enough. No residual effects of his couple month ordeal of abscesses and stitches. I caught him rolling in the mud with his heavy-weight, winter rug on. Not an easy feat for even a young horse. Sydney is back to giving me the cold shoulder. I just can't figure the gir...

OK~ I was tagged by SweetPeaSurrey. I agree with her that this is a nice distraction from the usual heavy crap I blog about. So ... here are the instructions: 1.go to your documents 2. go to your 6th file. (I had to skip a file because it was an IM file which is empty. It's empty because I don't IM anyone,ever) 3.go to your 6th picture. 4. blog about it. 5. tag 6 friends to do the same. and the Photo: This is Dru and I, at the Radnor Spring Races, May 2006. I had captioned it "Champagne Blondes Drink Champagne." This is an example of one of my many haircolor changes. I had actually blogged about this at TV.com. Here is a rerun of what the Spring Races are about: Yesterday, I had off from work and attended the Radnor Hunt Spring Races. It is a steeplechase event that is held in an area 15 minutes from where I live. I used to live 2 minutes away at a farm back in the 90s. My friend Dru,who has the large animal rescue farm, has a parking spot that we tailgate from every ...

Felonius my old friend Step on in and let me shake your hand So glad that you're here again For one more time Let your madness run with mine Streets still unseen we'll find somehow No time is better than now * I shot straight up when the shrill of my phone blasted me awake. I rarely get calls on my home line anymore and at that early hour I was jolted with confusion. I checked the caller ID as I fumbled for the talk button and all it said was Australia . "Did I wake you?" I fumbled for the clock in my stupor and squinted. "No," I lied. It was Ryan calling from Australia. He had gone home for the holidays and I didn't see him before he left. He asked me what time it was here in the States. "4am,"I mumbled, throwing my arm across my eyes. "Bloody Hell, it's 9pm here. Sorry,love," but he didn't sound sorry. In fact he was his usual chipper self.The fact that it was also a day ahead didn't seem like an issue eit...

I am not writing anything that anyone would be shocked at reading. I have been depressed. Not just that simple, I have the blues, depressed. I mean, I'm drowning in a well and can't get out of it, depressed. I know many people experience depression at some point in their life. For some, it may be a constant. For me, this is a new frontier. I spent most of December in a fog. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. I would take care of Romeo and Sydney while Veritas was virtually ignored. Part of it was the crazy weather we had, the other part was my co-worker of 23 years was out on maternity leave. I worked a lot of extra hours to accommodate her clients. I kept blaming stress or the extra work hours. Before I knew it, I found myself in that well, not even bothering to look up and see if I could get out. If you haven't figured it out from past blogs I am wound a little tight. I tend to have anxiety and over-emotional responses. Apathy and numbness is not something I am used...

"Only you could top me, on the craziest ex-boyfriend scale." This statement came from my friend, Gail. After my latest mental breakdown she was the one friend I knew I could call and she would get it. She is never shocked by anything I tell her (and can often match me on this) and can find humor in the blackest of hours. Many of us joke about having a freak magnet. I am afraid that all joking aside, Prick, has proved that I really had one on full force, when I met him. One of the terrors I had experienced after he assaulted me, was clearing out his belongings that he started squirreling away in my home. It was one of the reasons I had confronted him that fateful night. I made it clear to him in the weeks before that I would not allow him to live with me as long as he was drinking and not working full time. He was failing miserably in both of those departments. I honestly was relieved because I wanted out even before this moment. I felt he was giving me more reasons to leav...

One of my favorite Charlie Brown isms. Good grief. Charles Schulz was the king of good grief. What was actually his own personal feelings of hopelessness, presented in a cartoon form, made him millions. Pure genius. I am currently convinced I have Black Lung disease after scraping what seems like the entire state of Pennsylvania's worth of mud off of the horses.The weather has turned unseasonable warm again and we have had more torrential rain. The reason I hate Pennsylvania's winters has resurfaced. Mud. Lots and lots of mud. Romeo has the typical old-horse, winter coat. It is long and slightly curled. A perfect catch-all for mud, small branches and bramble. He comes in every night looking like a bad B movie monster. He smells like one,too. The only way to describe what a dirty horse smells like is this: 1200 pounds of wet dog. Blech . Veritas , on the other hand, finds it beneath him to dirty his handsome self. When he goes out, he finds a less muddy spot and does a small...

Romeo and Sydney are finally out and enjoying their hay. It's been a long haul this time with Romeo. We had a couple more setbacks that included IV fluids and prayers. He (knock on wood) seems to be coming out of the woods. As for me... It had to happen eventually. Depression. Oh, I've had it from time to time. Those days you feel cranky or sad, wishing you could stay in bed, but you don't. This time is different. It is that big gaping hole of nothing that bothers me the most. I'm not mad or sad. Just nothing. I get up and do what I have to do, feeling nothing. I knew I was in trouble last week when I went to my mom's best friend's viewing. After crying the entire weekend after she had passed away, I finally flat lined again. Not one tear. Numb. Argh. We had more snow this Saturday. It was a dry powdery snow that lightly dusts glitter over everything. I took the opportunity of having a Saturday night free and went shopping. My family and friends have all agreed ...

The helliday is barreling down fast. For once I actually don't feel too stressed about it. Work is insanely busy but the extra money has made it worthwhile. I managed to pay off all of my credit cards and the rest went to the vet for Romeo's bill and extra hay that we needed while they were stall bound. Romeo really had a tough time last week. Although the stitches were healing well he developed laminitis in his front feet. This probably happened because he was rocking his weight forward and on to his front feet. On top of that, the massive doses of antibiotics started screwing with his whole system. He developed an abscess in his right front hoof. What makes it trickier is that it is located right beside his coffin bone. Horse people know that the adage, "no hoof, no horse" comes along the aptly named coffin bone. If this bone is compromised in any way it becomes a death sentence. Every morning I take his therapeutic wrap off and carefully clean and examine where th...