Songs Of Peace

Snowy Sydney What Hell is this ? snow fence Creek behind the farm "Moby? Please tell me you are not that depressed!" It was a statement from the recent phone conversation I had with Ryan. "Noooo, Moby Grape ," I replied. Of course, the very young Ryan doesn't know who Moby Grape is. I recently added a couple tracks on my Sansa player to listen while riding Veritas. Ryan is always interested in what I am listening to. I personally know that what I listen to is a barometer for what my mood is. I don't know why it comes as a shock that someone else might figure that barometer out. Note to self: if you are denying depression~never mention Moby. Seriously, I am not listening to Moby or feel the least bit depressed. My fog has finally started to lift. I think the fact that I am once again swamped with equine clients on my weekends has my brain circulating again. When...

I am suddenly back in love with my home state. We had a glorious snow yesterday. Forecasters were calling for flurries and we ended up with over three inches. It was that fluffy,coat everything, kind of snow. Streets and sidewalks were easily cleared but the brown and grey mud was covered. This morning I watched the sun rise through the trees and turn everything in to diamonds. That is when I love the snow best. The snow actually sparkles in the sun and looks like the world is encased in glitter. I decided that Veritas just might feel the same way about snow as I do. I was right. I saddled him up this morning and took him out for a trail ride. He seemed just as enthralled as I was. There is absolutely nothing better than hacking out in unbroken snow with a horse. Against the white backdrop, you see birds fluttering in the bushes, deer dashing out from the trees, foxes scurrying ahead of you as if to race you to the next bend. The world takes on the muffled song that comes from Veri...

Snow. We have snow. Along with frozen pipes in the barn.The Snow Miser decided to pay my area of PA a visit. Winter is tough if you have a small, backyard horse set-up. No matter how much insulation we wrap around the pipes, they freeze when we hit the teen digits. Since Romeo is prone to colic, it is essential that he have plenty of water. This means several trips from the house to the barn lugging water buckets. I keep thinking there must be some solution. Every time I watch a football game and I see that big Gatorade container by the players bench, I think that would be easy enough to stick in a wheel barrow. Better than my aunt and I, juggling water buckets, trying not to slip on the ice and snow. Romeo seems happy enough. No residual effects of his couple month ordeal of abscesses and stitches. I caught him rolling in the mud with his heavy-weight, winter rug on. Not an easy feat for even a young horse. Sydney is back to giving me the cold shoulder. I just can't figure the gir...

OK~ I was tagged by SweetPeaSurrey. I agree with her that this is a nice distraction from the usual heavy crap I blog about. So ... here are the instructions: 1.go to your documents 2. go to your 6th file. (I had to skip a file because it was an IM file which is empty. It's empty because I don't IM anyone,ever) 3.go to your 6th picture. 4. blog about it. 5. tag 6 friends to do the same. and the Photo: This is Dru and I, at the Radnor Spring Races, May 2006. I had captioned it "Champagne Blondes Drink Champagne." This is an example of one of my many haircolor changes. I had actually blogged about this at TV.com. Here is a rerun of what the Spring Races are about: Yesterday, I had off from work and attended the Radnor Hunt Spring Races. It is a steeplechase event that is held in an area 15 minutes from where I live. I used to live 2 minutes away at a farm back in the 90s. My friend Dru,who has the large animal rescue farm, has a parking spot that we tailgate from every ...

Felonius my old friend Step on in and let me shake your hand So glad that you're here again For one more time Let your madness run with mine Streets still unseen we'll find somehow No time is better than now * I shot straight up when the shrill of my phone blasted me awake. I rarely get calls on my home line anymore and at that early hour I was jolted with confusion. I checked the caller ID as I fumbled for the talk button and all it said was Australia . "Did I wake you?" I fumbled for the clock in my stupor and squinted. "No," I lied. It was Ryan calling from Australia. He had gone home for the holidays and I didn't see him before he left. He asked me what time it was here in the States. "4am,"I mumbled, throwing my arm across my eyes. "Bloody Hell, it's 9pm here. Sorry,love," but he didn't sound sorry. In fact he was his usual chipper self.The fact that it was also a day ahead didn't seem like an issue eit...

I am not writing anything that anyone would be shocked at reading. I have been depressed. Not just that simple, I have the blues, depressed. I mean, I'm drowning in a well and can't get out of it, depressed. I know many people experience depression at some point in their life. For some, it may be a constant. For me, this is a new frontier. I spent most of December in a fog. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. I would take care of Romeo and Sydney while Veritas was virtually ignored. Part of it was the crazy weather we had, the other part was my co-worker of 23 years was out on maternity leave. I worked a lot of extra hours to accommodate her clients. I kept blaming stress or the extra work hours. Before I knew it, I found myself in that well, not even bothering to look up and see if I could get out. If you haven't figured it out from past blogs I am wound a little tight. I tend to have anxiety and over-emotional responses. Apathy and numbness is not something I am used...

"Only you could top me, on the craziest ex-boyfriend scale." This statement came from my friend, Gail. After my latest mental breakdown she was the one friend I knew I could call and she would get it. She is never shocked by anything I tell her (and can often match me on this) and can find humor in the blackest of hours. Many of us joke about having a freak magnet. I am afraid that all joking aside, Prick, has proved that I really had one on full force, when I met him. One of the terrors I had experienced after he assaulted me, was clearing out his belongings that he started squirreling away in my home. It was one of the reasons I had confronted him that fateful night. I made it clear to him in the weeks before that I would not allow him to live with me as long as he was drinking and not working full time. He was failing miserably in both of those departments. I honestly was relieved because I wanted out even before this moment. I felt he was giving me more reasons to leav...

One of my favorite Charlie Brown isms. Good grief. Charles Schulz was the king of good grief. What was actually his own personal feelings of hopelessness, presented in a cartoon form, made him millions. Pure genius. I am currently convinced I have Black Lung disease after scraping what seems like the entire state of Pennsylvania's worth of mud off of the horses.The weather has turned unseasonable warm again and we have had more torrential rain. The reason I hate Pennsylvania's winters has resurfaced. Mud. Lots and lots of mud. Romeo has the typical old-horse, winter coat. It is long and slightly curled. A perfect catch-all for mud, small branches and bramble. He comes in every night looking like a bad B movie monster. He smells like one,too. The only way to describe what a dirty horse smells like is this: 1200 pounds of wet dog. Blech . Veritas , on the other hand, finds it beneath him to dirty his handsome self. When he goes out, he finds a less muddy spot and does a small...

Romeo and Sydney are finally out and enjoying their hay. It's been a long haul this time with Romeo. We had a couple more setbacks that included IV fluids and prayers. He (knock on wood) seems to be coming out of the woods. As for me... It had to happen eventually. Depression. Oh, I've had it from time to time. Those days you feel cranky or sad, wishing you could stay in bed, but you don't. This time is different. It is that big gaping hole of nothing that bothers me the most. I'm not mad or sad. Just nothing. I get up and do what I have to do, feeling nothing. I knew I was in trouble last week when I went to my mom's best friend's viewing. After crying the entire weekend after she had passed away, I finally flat lined again. Not one tear. Numb. Argh. We had more snow this Saturday. It was a dry powdery snow that lightly dusts glitter over everything. I took the opportunity of having a Saturday night free and went shopping. My family and friends have all agreed ...

The helliday is barreling down fast. For once I actually don't feel too stressed about it. Work is insanely busy but the extra money has made it worthwhile. I managed to pay off all of my credit cards and the rest went to the vet for Romeo's bill and extra hay that we needed while they were stall bound. Romeo really had a tough time last week. Although the stitches were healing well he developed laminitis in his front feet. This probably happened because he was rocking his weight forward and on to his front feet. On top of that, the massive doses of antibiotics started screwing with his whole system. He developed an abscess in his right front hoof. What makes it trickier is that it is located right beside his coffin bone. Horse people know that the adage, "no hoof, no horse" comes along the aptly named coffin bone. If this bone is compromised in any way it becomes a death sentence. Every morning I take his therapeutic wrap off and carefully clean and examine where th...

The sun has finally returned. After almost two weeks of clouds and rain I was beginning to feel mildewed as well as depressed. Romeo had a massive injury on Sunday. He came in for evening feed with a gaping wound and blood everywhere. He cut the back part of his upper pastern of his right hind leg. It took the vet an hour just to stitch him up. At one point the blood was spurting out like a bad cartoon. Luckily it was only skin and blood vessels. No tendons or ligaments. So, they are both stall bound for ten days and we are keeping our fingers crossed that there is no infection or tearing of the stitches. I spent all day yesterday driving around looking for pelleted horse bedding. Seems Canada is the main supplier and a lot of supply houses cut back when the gas prices were so high. Now there is a shortage. I really don't want to switch to shavings because they would stick to Romeo's bandage. I absolutely hate straw but I may have to break down and purchase some. It is so rid...

This is actually a blog I wrote in 2006 from another blog site. I'm just lazy. Have a happy Halloween! Are You Happy,Now? How can it be Halloween already? These past couple of months have really been flying. My past blogs where often more stories that usually centered around my ex and my new found single life. I often wonder if I lost my blog mojo by being a little less bitter. I am trying to think back to remember any sad Halloween incidents that would make good reading but alas,I have none. I was painfully shy as a kid so I do remember not wanting to trick or treat in neighborhoods where I didn't know who was answering the door. This kept my loot on the smaller scale compared to my more daring, older siblings. I also was the kind of kid who couldn't understand why I had to walk in the dark and cold night begging for candy when we had a huge bowl right here in our very own house. I have fond memories of all the prep at school which included pumpkin carving and making decor...

Life is coasting along. My only recent complaint has been the feeling that life is somehow stalled and going nowhere. The past year I have often found myself staring off in to space, wishing God would send me a sign that life is moving in some kind of positive direction. It's not that I am feeling bad per se. Just stuck in a bottomless sea, in an endless paddle and not getting anywhere. The endless feeling of numbness has taken over me again. I hate that feeling more than feeling pain or sorrow. It is just so empty. We have had heavy rains and high winds on Saturday. The good thing is it dropped the ragweed and other dust down. For the first time in weeks I made it through the day without wanting to rip my eyeballs out from the itching. The bad part was the rain washed out part of the flooring in the aisle at the barn. I walked in to check Sydney and Romeo after work on Saturday. The water was rushing down the aisle, in between the two stalls. Syd had her head over the stall door, ...

I am actually sleepy in a good way. I have finally kicked the crappy lung thing. I just spent the day sneezing from ragweed and crystal clear weather. When it is dry,clear and breezy outside, the ragweed seems to affect me the worst. I just took some Benedryl and I am feeling a good sleep coming. I know I need to knock off the last blog. I never want to be one of those deleters, but I do regret spewing so much anger. I'll leave it as a reminder that I am human and get pissed. Good friends,pets and equine loving got me back on track. Veritas has been getting stronger and more supple every day. I can really feel him rounding up and his back is much softer. What I love about him is his light mouth. I never have to keep a death grip on him and can trail ride him on the buckle. Love that! Best of all, is he now recognizes my car. He is usually by the gate waiting for me by the time I get a halter to lead him to the barn. At the risk of sounding like a dorky Sally Fields~ he likes me. H...

Well, not what I was expecting. After a delay yesterday because a file was misplaced, Prick was finally sentenced today. Six months consecutive of the four months he is serving now. Not only did no one from the DA's office call me this morning, we found out from a friend who works at the courthouse. She called my best friend to have her break the news to me. I was in the middle of a haircut when she called. I have no memory of finishing the cut. Later I called my friend back. She was trying to force me to see the positive. "His sentencing includes him being on Parole and he will have to report to a Domestic Violence PO Caseworker.It also specifies that it include a 16 week program for Domestic Violence and attending AA meetings every day for 90 days.So, it's all good. AA, everyday." I could hear that perky tone that makes me insane. We all know that tone. It's when someone knows something sucks but doesn't want you to know it. I hate to admit this. I freaked o...

I am finally starting to feel physically better after my bout of what felt like walking pneumonia. I have forced myself to sleep in this past couple weeks. I think my usual lack of sleep is what gets me in trouble both physically and mentally. Even though I have still been waking at my ridiculously early time, I get up and feed the cats and come back to bed to sleep another couple hours instead of racing to each barn to ride or clean stalls. I did ride Veritas for two hours yesterday. Since I had the whole day off I had plenty of time to be relaxed about it.One hour in the ring and an hour just ambling along the fields. The weather has turned warm again. 75 degrees and not a single cloud to be found in the sky. We had a brief cold snap that turned the leaves but it was brief enough that a lot of wildflowers are still holding on. With the help of the trainer I have been working Veritas with, we finally found a solution to my breathing (or lack of) problems while riding. It seems I don...

I did an amazing thing this morning. I actually slept in late. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who wakes up ridiculously early, whether they have to or not. It is one of the reasons I have so many sunrise photos while I am on vacation. Normally I am wide awake at 5:30 AM. This morning I slept in until 8:30. Since my encounter with the treadmill, I have been battling a case of bronchitis that just won't go away. I am certain I picked up germs while I sat in the waiting room where I went for blood work. People were hacking and wheezing all over the place. Note to self: in order to stay healthy, never visit a doctors office. I am so mad because the weather has been perfect for riding. I have been so tired that I come home every night from work and fall asleep almost immediately. I did have off work on Saturday. The town where my salon is located does a community day every year on the first Saturday of October. They close off the whole boulevard where we are located. My boss fi...

I know I write this often. I don't want to go to work,today. I had a hands-on hair cutting class both Sunday and Monday. It was actually very good. The stylist who taught the class was from the Redken team and was a lot of fun.He looked just like Elvis Costello and was incredibly enthusiastic in a soft spoken way. I actually felt relaxed around him and longed to work in a salon enviroment with stylists like him. It did help make me feel revitalized as a hair stylist so it was worth losing a weekend for. But~ I am still grumpy that my weekend was shot as far as any riding in this picture perfect weather. I also had to have a stress test done yesterday.I had to laugh when my doctor told me I needed to get one after I was complaining of being short of breath and experiencing chest pain.I was blaming allergies. I need a test to tell me that I am stressed? C'mon now. I can tell you the answer to that. Anyhoo, in spite of my many jokes this past year,apparently my heart is not broken...

Another gap in the blogging. Life is coasting along. Some good,some bad. I just keep trying to focus on what I can control and release whatever I can't. Some days that is easier said than done. The weather has finally changed to feel more like fall. Temps in the mid 70s during the day and cooler at night. I actually put a blanket on my bed and woke this morning with my cat Kenni under the covers. She is such a ham. Nothing beats waking up with a giggle and Kenni managed to make me do just that. I decided to not ride this morning. I have no clean clothes for the rest of the week and my house has suffered from neglect with all of the nice weather keeping me at the barn. Of course I shouldn't be here at the computer, but... I received several emails from Prick's sister. I always loved her and she has been amazingly supportive towards me since the whole ordeal with her brother began. She shared with me that her father wrote a letter to the judge asking for a thorough mental hea...

Labor Day. The day that symbolizes the end of the season. In spite of the depression I had been feeling recently I finally managed to take one of my biggest steps forward in healing this year. It took me a couple weeks past the year mark of losing Gwen. The hardest part of this past year was the onset of panic attacks that come from nowhere. Even though I understood why I developed them after the assault, it didn't make it any easier that I had no way of predicting what would set them off. I could be in my car, standing in Target or the supermarket seemingly stress free and out of no where I felt like I would die in an instant. The worst for me were the ones I suffered in the barn or when I tried to ride again. I rode several clients or friends horses since I lost Gwen but I could not for the life of me get back out on the trail where there were open fields. I hyperventilated even thinking about it. I took to exercising their horses in the safety of the ring. I made excuses of time...

Aaaack. Summer is truly winding down quick. It was still dark when I woke up this morning and it was cool enough to need a sweat shirt. Both Romeo and Sydney have scratches on their legs. It comes from constant exposure to the dew on the grass. I have been trying to make a more concerted effort to brush them every day and to medicate their legs before I turn them out. After owning Syd for a year, I can finally admit that she is one bitchy mare. Every time I try and gently remove the scurf from her legs, she aims to give me a nose job with a well placed kick. I finally gave up this morning and I am ashamed to admit I threatened the glue factory if she kept up her attitude. The worst part? I think I really meant it. This is the time of year that I feel the weight of depression setting in. I guess I am a sun whore. I just can't get enough daylight. The waning days of summer give me a sense of dread that I can't shake off. I don't mind the cooler weather or the change of season...

Yesterday was the one year mark since I lost Gwen. I have owned several horses over the years but losing Gwen and her brother Merlin four years before her have been the hardest. Maybe because they both were relatively young. Both were 15 and died from colic. No doubt there was some genetic weakness there,though the vet claimed it was just a horrible coincidence. Often I feel that everything in my life seems like a horrible coincidence. Gene Shay, co-founder and host of the Philadelphia Folk Festival, defined folk music in an April 2003 interview by saying: "In the strictest sense, it's music that is rarely written for profit. It's music that has endured and been passed down by oral tradition. [...] Also, what distinguishes folk music is that it is participatory—you don't have to be a great musician to be a folk singer. [...] And finally, it brings a sense of community. It's the people's music." I went to the Philadelphia Folk Festival this weekend. The wea...

Complete writers block. I am on vacation with nothing to say. Not sure if that's good or bad. Every time I start to relax and have some fun something pulls the rug out from me. When will I learn to take all the F-ing rugs out of my head and embrace bare floors??? Maybe I need new shoes. When all else fails.... go watch a sunset.

I had originally wrote this draft in August of 2008 but never posted it. So often things are too painful at the time for me to actually hit the post button. I am glad I write. It really helps a year and a half later for me to see how far I have come since writing this. Tonight is the interview with Rihanna about her assault from Chris Brown. The excerpts I have seen so far have brought up some of these memories. So, I am choosing to just post this without editing it. Sometimes it is better to see it the way it was the first time around. Once again, it is more telling that there is a huge gap since my last entry. Usually, when I am on vacation, I'll write like a crazy woman. This is the first of anything besides an email or two. I haven't even written much in my journal. Most entries start with the word exhausted. I had written before about the little house here in Ship Bottom that I am renting for the week. It is the same house that I had rented for Prick and I, a year ago. I e...